So someone commented on my blog today even though I hadn’t posted anything in almost 3 years. This led me to come back onto my blog and read all the old entries and assess how much my life has changed since then and boy has it ever.

One thing that stood out to me the most about my posts was how close I seemed to be with God at the time. It seems genuine enough but that as been a journey in itself as of late.

So jus a few updates since the last time I’ve blogged which was a long while ago:

-I got a car for my 23rd bday, it’s since died and I got a new car which I have a lovely car payment for
-I did finally graduate from college (Fall 2011) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration Management
-I left my church and God in 2010 to live my life my way, went back and recently left again for similar yet different reasons (I have a new church, well kinda)
-I haven’t found a job in my field that I’d like to work however I have one that pays the bills
-My life has been “wonderful” (full of tests and trials)

So I’m going to try and blog more because of that last one to try and find a better way to handle life’s struggles than how I have been. I’ll give more details about certain things later if I’m so led.

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I admit it… I’m a cry baby… I’ve always been one and I guess I’ll always be one LOL…

What triggered this revelation? LOL

Well my poor brother had a bad day @ school today and came back from his basketball game upset… When my mother picked us up from his school (cuz that’s where I work) he got into trouble for not having a coat on from this morning. I felt bad for hime for a lil bit cuz my mother doesn’t know when to stop yelling and leave well enough alone and he was already upset… It doesn’t help that he crosses the line and yells @ her for her to leave him alone… I wanted to come to his rescue but I wasn’t in the self sacrificing mood… (Thank you Jesus for not saying that that day on the cross)…

Anyway my mother (God bless her heart) doesn’t know how to handle situations well… And I actually blame her for my brother’s anger… She asks me what was wrong with him and I said I didn’t know because he had told me earlier he didn’t want to talk about it so I left him alone *hint hint… but no… she goes to pry when he’s already mad @ her for yelling @ him the way she did… and its not bad that she went to pry because it kinda shows in her on way that she does care… but it was the way she did it… and he doesn’t want to talk to her so what does she do? Yell more… I mean you’re not going to get him to talk about what’s wrong with him if you’re yelling @ him making him feel worse… He has an anger rage fit and she yells @ him more and it continually escalates while I pray that she just leaves him alone…

Anyway… she leaves and I talk to my brother while he packs because apparently he’s leaving (I’ve done that plenty of times @ his age and even did leave once)… As he sits there crying telling me what’s wrong I start crying… I’m like what is wrong with you Ashley come on you’re supposed to be helping him not crying… My heart was breaking for this kid… he’s growing up going through the trials of being a teen and of living with a verbally abusive mother… and I cry… but I think I get through to him somehow…

It made me think about how I’d be with my kids when they’re in crisis… whether I’d sit there and cry with them… or have a backbone and be strong for them… I know I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE OR TALK DOWN TO THEM IN ANYWAY… I love my mother I think… I just know I REFUSE to be like her…

Off to play the wii wit my bro 🙂

*** Edit: My brother slept in my room again last night like he did before I left for Atlanta… only this time he slept in the bed with me… all I have to say is NEVER again LOL I got no sleep haha… He’s lucky I love him LOL ***

So I have a plan and I’m like extremely excited…

But first the JOURNEY… LOL

If you’ve known me for awhile you know college hasn’t really been my thing… I came to college because it was what was expected of me because I did well in high school and I wanted to get money to take care of my family. When I got to college I always said it should just be a social experience… 4 years of hanging out with people… no classes. I wasn’t really interested in anything really but I was good with computers so I picked the major of Information Systems Development. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I mean while I spend every waking hour on the computer now, I didn’t like fixing problems or not knowing how to fix a problem (come across this alot) and the joy of being on the computer would be taken away because it was work. I also had begun growing spiritually in my faith and saw how I needed to follow Jesus with my whole life meaning career path as well. I never had asked God for direction in any area of my life like that before. So I asked… I think… LOL

So what I heard from God was to teach so that’s what I was going to do. Now I knew it was from God because all my life I’d been saying that I can’t teach so I didn’t make it up. So the plan was to change my major to Music Education because I love music (and play 4 instruments and sing) and God told me to teach plus I love children. Right? WRONG! LOL So after being convinced by someone who thought they were looking out for my best interests that I wouldn’t be able to get into the music program because my skill level wasn’t to the caliber needed I changed my major to just Elementary Education and was going to minor in Music. So getting into the Education program at my school was just as hard if not harder than getting into the Music program, especially since I was transferring into the program. BUT the only thing that was truly holding me back was my GPA which was a 2.97 and it needed to be a 3.0… So when I got to a point where I couldn’t take anymore classes except the ones in the Education program and I couldn’t get in because of my GPA I had to change my minor to Special Education just to be able to take classes and bring my GPA up. Needless to say that didn’t happen… in fact it went down to a 2.94 and I still wasn’t allowed in the program.

At this point (and many other points) I’m ready to just quit school. So I didn’t really seek God at that point about what I should do and I was in fact quite confused because I didn’t understand if he told me to teach why I couldn’t get into the program. (of course I know now :)) Anyway that was around the end of my junior year, so I began to look into any major that I could take that would have me to graduate in the least amount of time. The major would be Behavioral Science which is like the head of Sociology which seemed very interesting to me when I had to take Soc 100. So that’s what I did… my plan was to get out of school as soon as possible with any degree and just figure out my life after I graduated. Well needless to say THAT didn’t happen either. LOL

I had some big attacks of the enemy which led me to actually leave school in the middle of the semester and not return to that particular school. But the day I came home even I was being asked so what are you going to do? Where are you going to school? You need to register soon its around the time of deadlines. Which I guess was the voice of God in a way because I probably wouldn’t be in school right now had that not happened. BUT again I did not consult God and ask Him His plan and purpose for my life but jumped right into applying and registering for a school that made sense I would go to because it was cheap, it was close (and I thought it’d be easy to get there though found not the case), and it didn’t hurt that my mentor/ big sister worked there.

The only thing was it didn’t have my major so I had to change my major again… the most logical choice at the time was Sociology because it was the closest to my previous major. After being accepted and doing more research about the programs and things I decided I wanted to study children. So that’s what I signed up for. The only problem was there was this one class that was a prerequisite  for all of the following classes. Meaning I could only take that one class. I had a few more classes I could take because of the graduation requirements for the school but not enough to be full time so I just signed up for “fun” (courses I didn’t need but thought would be useful to me) classes to fill my schedule. On October 9th I have a break down and I’m just like I have no direction in my life I don’t know where God is taking me or why I’m even here or what I’m doing with my life… I feel like I’m going no where… I’m dropping out of school forever and moving out of my house and living with a friend!!! Yeah I was a mess… yeah I didn’t drop out of school… but I did drop down to part time and I did FINALLY seek God for direction and I waited for his direction and didn’t get it until December 4th.

I’m excited about it because before I never really had a Graduation Plan where I sat down and looked at everything I needed to do to graduate. But like I have this comprehensive list of everything that I’m going to take from now until I graduate in 2011. Oh yeah and I changed my major of course LOL… It is now Business Administration Management. I feel it is in line with what God wants me to do with my life even going into ministry because my vision is to open my own dance studio and that will be a business and I’ll definitely need to know how to operate it properly. Oh and if you’re wondering where the teaching comes in… I’ll be teaching dance classes @ my studio so I didn’t heard God incorrectly when He told me to teach… I just didn’t wait to hear the whole thing… So my graduation countdown has finally begun! Spring 2011 here I come! 🙂
Oh yeah did I mention that I’m ending this semester with  4.0 and because I transferred schools my old GPA is wiped clean??? I could write a whole blog about that one 🙂 but Wohoo!

Here’s my graduation plan just in case you’re interested 😉

Graduation Plan

Spring 2009

Introduction to Business

African-American History to 1865

Introduction to Principles of Reasoning

Life and Health

Technical & Report Writing I

Fall 2009

Principles of Marketing

Principles of Management

Principles of Accounting I

Principles of Macroeconomics

Principles of Microeconomics

Spring 2010

Principles of Accounting II

Business Law I

Money and Banking

Business/Economic Statistics I

Organizational Behavior

Principles of Supervision & Leadership

Fall 2010

Business Law II

Management Problems

Principles of Finance

Human Resource Management

Spring 2011

Quantitative Methods in Decision Making

Entrepreneurship & New Enterprises

Business Strategy and Policy

Production and Operation Management

Yeah… when I get busy I forget to do things I normally do like update my wordpress… It’s been awhile and alot has changed even from my last update… well actually not that much…

I decided not to take Gospel Choir so I can be free to take a dance class @ my studio called Warfare Weapons… talk about being drenched in sweat… that’s all I can say… I am in the Modern Class on Tuesdays though so I am dancing 4 days a week… Sunday Monday Tuesday and Thursday…I also am not taking the Jazz African class or the Ballet class on Saturdays… because I desperately need to go to driving school (yet again) so I can get my license cuz this 2 hour commute to a place that’s 15 minutes away is just utterly ridiculous… So as soon as I get some money I will definitely be doing that

Angela and I have started back our weekly prayer times… and not a moment too soon because for a lil while there I felt like my life was a living hell… partially due to my decisions but that no longer matters…

People have come in and out of my life like a revolving door and that has been crazy too…

I’ve been kinda warming up to Bowie… it’s still this totally different place I’m trying to decide if I like or not… sometimes I loathe my decision to come her and at other times I’m just glad that I don’t have to be @ home all the time… I miss York so much… I really do… but its all good

I need a job so bad… I’ve been applying for so much

***Update to the Update***

I also have this weird peace and feeling of serenity for some reason… Like though things going on in my life are the same they’re not bothering me… Angela says her pastor made a point to say that if circumstances in our lives are bothering us its because we’re not focusing on God… this may be true… cuz for a while there I had my focuses elsewhere… On someone that doesn’t matter…

So its pretty evident that people know that prayer changes things. How do I know? Because 1) there are so many versions of the song Prayer Changes Things on youtube by various artists ranging from top gospel artists like Deitrick Haddon to very secular artists like R. Kelly…  2) when a tragic situation occurs everyone turns to prayer evidence all the groups on facebook about praying for Virginia Tech, 9/11, and Hurricane Katrina victims… 3) Our first response when something is going wrong is “Lawd, Please HEEEELLLPPP me!!!!”

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Why is it so easy to follow the things of God when its someting we want to do or seems easy enough that we don’t mind? But when its something that’s hard we question if it was really God who told us to do it?

I think we need a reality check because Jesus makes it clear in Matthew… “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.” (7:21)
He also proved that God’s Will isn’t always easy in Luke, but that we need His help to get it done… “And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” Then and angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. The His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” (22:41-44)
Can you imagine agonizing about a task you have to complete so much that you’re sweating blood? But Jesus was praying and God sent Him help.

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So I work @ a summer camp with age ranges of 3-14… they are separated from 3-5 and 7-14… they all act like 3-5 years old which I can handle with the 3-5 years old because it’s expected… but the older ones get on my nerve to no end… yesterday we went to go see Barnyard at the movies… it was a really nice movie… about a coming of age cow needing to learn responsibility and take his father’s place by conquering fear and immaturity (I’m sure the kids didn’t really get that concept)… one line from the movie that I thought was really awesome was when the cow wanted to give up and just leave because he didn’t feel competent and his girlfriend cow told him “Being a great leader has nothing to do with being the biggest or the strongest but a great leader is the one who cares the most.” Jesus had something to say about this too… he said “If any among you wishes to be great among you shall be your servant and whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all.” I think these are saying the same thing because I totally believe in this day in age you have to care about others more than yourself to be a servant… not care about being seen or praise or a reward, but care about what you’re doing to help… We as human beings born into sin are naturally selfish, so it takes someone great… a great leader to be able to overcome that selfishness and be a servant.

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