So this week has been really rough for me… mostly due to the fact that I haven’t been really trusting God with a situation that I’m facing. I can’t remember who said it but a good truth that I heard recently was that most of the time we don’t entrust God with the little things in our lives and don’t put that into practice, and then when a big thing arises we go to God but we don’t really go correctly because we haven’t been really going to God with the other things… This is somewhat the case for me… I will honestly admit that I haven’t given hadn’t given my WHOLE life to God… mostly due to lack of faith (which is silly because that brings up doubt in the sovereignty of God and His power and love and I might as well not believe in God at all if that is going to be my mentality) My problem… I don’t constantly meditate on the word or on God’s promises to me… and I don’t confess them daily… so while I may know them when they are spoken to me or when I come across them in scripture, I am hard pressed to know what to say/pray when in urgent need… and THAT is very dangerous… I have been getting by thus far through knowing who to go to when this happens who can speak truth into situations and pray with power… but its time out for dependence on people with that… I can pray for myself and know how to get into the presence of God… I need to be able to pray in times of crisis and personal need too… depending on the Only True God and not man…

I’m not sure why this situation is arising… and my pastors always say God doesn’t need to use bad things to get your attention… like God doesn’t need to break your ankle to tell you you need to rest… He can just do it… But it doesn’t really matter why anymore… because the lesson that I’m learning that’ll last me a lifetime… and the devil can be mad because I already had victory over this situation before I even knew it existed…

So I am questioning if this is my refining process… Its funny because in our leadership meeting @ the beginning of the semester we studied John 15 and I was the only one who spoke up saying I don’t know if I like this refining business… I mean like really it just doesn’t sound like fun to me… Mind you I wasn’t really looking at the other option (being cut off and pretty much dying) I was just focused on how pruning and cleansing had the potential to be very painful… So after wallowing in self-pity for half the week I have finally been awakened to the reality of the situation… and I can praise God for that… This was awakened through a note someone wrote on facebook which I believe he said is from My Utmost for His Highest… (which now after reading this I might want that book) 

“Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar.” The altar means fire—burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the altar; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

I’ve been praying and asking God to consume my worship… and I believe that in order to do that… with that fire, he has to purify me… that means cutting me off from my past completely… something I sometimes try to hold on to… or sometimes beat myself up for… But God doesn’t remember our sins and I continually do not need to remember them either… this goes back to a message we heard in Atlanta… Remember in the Hebrew translation means to bring into the present… I know ya’ll may not understand… but its ok… if someone gets it that’s kool… they can understand why I cry these tears of joy right now… Just another praise for my testimony… of how Great… Awesome… Marvelous… Wonderful… Splendorous… Incredible… Mighty… I could go on… MY GOD is… Oh I’m excited… It may have not been immediate but I got there… I could scream…  I can’t even type no more I’m so excited… My God… Ya’ll just don’t know… Giving God my EVERYTHING… my WHOLE BEING… I am SO on FIRE

A poem I wrote in Atlanta called Remember Me

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There are so many things I’m excited for and I’m just happy that God has given me joy after my praying and going to bed a little sad last night!

I’m excited for Release!!! Our Black Regional Student Conference with Intervarsity! I’m excited because I’m expecting God to show up in mighty ways and speak into my life like he’s done so many times before… because I get to see so many wonderful faces that I haven’t seen in a while like My BFF ANGELA!!!! and PATRICE!!!! and my wonderful roommate from Atlanta ’08 ALEX!!!! and the potential of meeting new wonderful faces from different schools that people are going to bring… it’s going to be awesome!!!

Work was awesome today!!! I got my babies back! Last week someone was out so I had to be with the middle schoolers and I was very unhappy because they don’t listen to me like at all… but today I got to go back to where my heart is and was welcomed with hugs and opened arms cuz they were happy to see me! They don’t know I was just as happy to see them… cuz I had an incident with the middle schoolers and a parent was upset and that made me upset and I really was worried that I did something wrong, but I talked to the principal about it and she said that the kids told the truth which really made me feel better because the one girl was lying to her mother and making me look bad and the parent was going to talk to the principal and I didn’t know what that outcome was going to bring… but now that the girl owned up to it the pressure is off of me! Plus the director of Aftercare came in my class today and told me I was doing a very good job and that just boosted my day because I worry about that sometimes and just need that word of affirmation to know that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing because I do try my best.

I got to spend time with Utibe today in DC… which was great because even though it was crowded and our time was short we got to talk a little bit and catch up after Atlanta before she makes that trip back to LA… Utibe and I did an Urban Project with Intervarsity in 2006 together. We spent some time reminiscing on that crazy summer! LOL Good times…

Oh and at driving school today my driving instructor asked us what it meant to be saved and it was great just to be able to openly share about Christ in a setting you wouldn’t think of as the place for that… and I found out that one of the students in the class is a freshman @ Bowie State… God is SO funny… connection over break? I mean really WHAT is the likelihood of that happening? Needless to say I’m going to try to connect with her and maybe even try to get her to come to Release… she does attend church… I wonder if she’s crazy enough to attend a conference with some people she hardly knows? LOL We’ll see!!!!

I FINALLY decided what song I’m dancing to for my grandmother’s Pastoral Anniversary this Sunday! Cece Winans’ Holy Spirit Come Fill this Place! I’m excited about it now LOL because at first I just had no clue about what to do… and though I’m sure my grandmother would love anything I do… its like a dance tribute to her and my ministry unto God so I was really like ok… its coming up what should I do??? AHHH!

All in all I’m just excited about God cuz he’s amazing and wonderful!

So I have a plan and I’m like extremely excited…

But first the JOURNEY… LOL

If you’ve known me for awhile you know college hasn’t really been my thing… I came to college because it was what was expected of me because I did well in high school and I wanted to get money to take care of my family. When I got to college I always said it should just be a social experience… 4 years of hanging out with people… no classes. I wasn’t really interested in anything really but I was good with computers so I picked the major of Information Systems Development. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I mean while I spend every waking hour on the computer now, I didn’t like fixing problems or not knowing how to fix a problem (come across this alot) and the joy of being on the computer would be taken away because it was work. I also had begun growing spiritually in my faith and saw how I needed to follow Jesus with my whole life meaning career path as well. I never had asked God for direction in any area of my life like that before. So I asked… I think… LOL

So what I heard from God was to teach so that’s what I was going to do. Now I knew it was from God because all my life I’d been saying that I can’t teach so I didn’t make it up. So the plan was to change my major to Music Education because I love music (and play 4 instruments and sing) and God told me to teach plus I love children. Right? WRONG! LOL So after being convinced by someone who thought they were looking out for my best interests that I wouldn’t be able to get into the music program because my skill level wasn’t to the caliber needed I changed my major to just Elementary Education and was going to minor in Music. So getting into the Education program at my school was just as hard if not harder than getting into the Music program, especially since I was transferring into the program. BUT the only thing that was truly holding me back was my GPA which was a 2.97 and it needed to be a 3.0… So when I got to a point where I couldn’t take anymore classes except the ones in the Education program and I couldn’t get in because of my GPA I had to change my minor to Special Education just to be able to take classes and bring my GPA up. Needless to say that didn’t happen… in fact it went down to a 2.94 and I still wasn’t allowed in the program.

At this point (and many other points) I’m ready to just quit school. So I didn’t really seek God at that point about what I should do and I was in fact quite confused because I didn’t understand if he told me to teach why I couldn’t get into the program. (of course I know now :)) Anyway that was around the end of my junior year, so I began to look into any major that I could take that would have me to graduate in the least amount of time. The major would be Behavioral Science which is like the head of Sociology which seemed very interesting to me when I had to take Soc 100. So that’s what I did… my plan was to get out of school as soon as possible with any degree and just figure out my life after I graduated. Well needless to say THAT didn’t happen either. LOL

I had some big attacks of the enemy which led me to actually leave school in the middle of the semester and not return to that particular school. But the day I came home even I was being asked so what are you going to do? Where are you going to school? You need to register soon its around the time of deadlines. Which I guess was the voice of God in a way because I probably wouldn’t be in school right now had that not happened. BUT again I did not consult God and ask Him His plan and purpose for my life but jumped right into applying and registering for a school that made sense I would go to because it was cheap, it was close (and I thought it’d be easy to get there though found not the case), and it didn’t hurt that my mentor/ big sister worked there.

The only thing was it didn’t have my major so I had to change my major again… the most logical choice at the time was Sociology because it was the closest to my previous major. After being accepted and doing more research about the programs and things I decided I wanted to study children. So that’s what I signed up for. The only problem was there was this one class that was a prerequisite  for all of the following classes. Meaning I could only take that one class. I had a few more classes I could take because of the graduation requirements for the school but not enough to be full time so I just signed up for “fun” (courses I didn’t need but thought would be useful to me) classes to fill my schedule. On October 9th I have a break down and I’m just like I have no direction in my life I don’t know where God is taking me or why I’m even here or what I’m doing with my life… I feel like I’m going no where… I’m dropping out of school forever and moving out of my house and living with a friend!!! Yeah I was a mess… yeah I didn’t drop out of school… but I did drop down to part time and I did FINALLY seek God for direction and I waited for his direction and didn’t get it until December 4th.

I’m excited about it because before I never really had a Graduation Plan where I sat down and looked at everything I needed to do to graduate. But like I have this comprehensive list of everything that I’m going to take from now until I graduate in 2011. Oh yeah and I changed my major of course LOL… It is now Business Administration Management. I feel it is in line with what God wants me to do with my life even going into ministry because my vision is to open my own dance studio and that will be a business and I’ll definitely need to know how to operate it properly. Oh and if you’re wondering where the teaching comes in… I’ll be teaching dance classes @ my studio so I didn’t heard God incorrectly when He told me to teach… I just didn’t wait to hear the whole thing… So my graduation countdown has finally begun! Spring 2011 here I come! 🙂
Oh yeah did I mention that I’m ending this semester with  4.0 and because I transferred schools my old GPA is wiped clean??? I could write a whole blog about that one 🙂 but Wohoo!

Here’s my graduation plan just in case you’re interested 😉

Graduation Plan

Spring 2009

Introduction to Business

African-American History to 1865

Introduction to Principles of Reasoning

Life and Health

Technical & Report Writing I

Fall 2009

Principles of Marketing

Principles of Management

Principles of Accounting I

Principles of Macroeconomics

Principles of Microeconomics

Spring 2010

Principles of Accounting II

Business Law I

Money and Banking

Business/Economic Statistics I

Organizational Behavior

Principles of Supervision & Leadership

Fall 2010

Business Law II

Management Problems

Principles of Finance

Human Resource Management

Spring 2011

Quantitative Methods in Decision Making

Entrepreneurship & New Enterprises

Business Strategy and Policy

Production and Operation Management

So I was inspired to write this post by a few things…

First, my lil cousin called me today to tell me that her birthday is on monday… Like I needed the reminder LOL

She’s turning 19, about to go into the airforce, and trying to go to school. Makes me so proud LOL… my lil one is growing up LOL

Second, my bff (Jill) Angela wrote a blog about how she felt old and she’s only like 6 months older than me

Lastly, while reading TheNorEaster’s blog today I was brought attention to somethings about my maturity that I’d like to blog about

So I’m 22 years old… I don’t feel 22 at all. Sometimes I feel 5 other times I feel 15… All the time, I feel like a little kid.. not a 22 year old adult. I think alot is accredited to the fact that I am still in school, still live at home with my mother, and do not have a job. Maybe also because many people have told me that I needed to grow up.

Lately though I have been finding myself feeling more mature and interested in things that I didn’t even understand as a child. These mostly deal with the parallels of television and movies to the concepts and things of God and religion. A few that come to mind are Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, and Harry Potter. These 4 things used to bore me to death… I had no interest in them at all. If Star Trek was on the television I’d be sleep in 5 seconds. I had no desired to watch any of the Lord of the Rings, Chronicles, or Harry Potter movies before… even as recently as a year ago. I watched Lord of the Rings the other day and found it quite intriguing. I also might probably go see that new Star Trek Movie in 2009 thanks to the wonderful trailers of Noreaster. I saw parallels of things of God and think I might actually enjoy it. I think we all know that one person who can pull out a message about Jesus from anywhere… LOL Like this one awesome guy named Bret had this great evangelism talk from this utterly ridiculous youtube video called Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain.

I digress… LOL anywho  I bring that up because I know am being able to see Jesus in everyday things and I think its awesome and a reflection of maturity and my relationship with God… And yet still not an indication that I’m OLD! 🙂

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Oh yeah… and if you enjoyed that last video… how about Charlie the Unicorn Part 2

It’s been awhile since I posted… I’ve been busy and tired and extremely emotional….

I’ve got things straight wit Bowie and am registered for 14 credits: My schedule is nice

Monday: Gospel Choir 6:30-9:00 pm
Tuesday: Intro to Pedology 9:30-10:50 am
African-American History to 1865 11:00-12:20 pm
Wednesday: Voice Class 1:00-2:30 pm
Piano Class I 3:00-4:50 pm
Public Speaking 4:55-7:25 pm
Thursday: Intro to Pedology 9:30-10:50 am
African-American History to 1865 11:00-12:20 pm

I’m slightly excited about this schedule… with Majoring in Pedology and Minoring in Music.
I also have a tentative dance schedule @ my studio (Divine Dance Institute) That really excited me…

Tuesday: Modern IIIA 6:30-7:30 pm
Jazz/African IIIA 7:45-8:45 pm
Saturday: Ballet/Modern AD I 9:00-10:00 am

Yeah… all I need now is a job… I’ve had many disappointments and upsetting interviews or results of interviews… I don’t really know what I’m doing wrong… I mean I don’t have much experience in anything other than office work but I can do anything if I were to be given a chance…

This has caused me to be sad at times of course… I’m still waiting for that car…

I have been dancing alot which has been good… had to dance for a wedding and for a women’s conference…

I have faith I’ll get on track with my goals soon… I’m excited for campus ministry @ Bowie… just have to tell you Its going to be AMAZING… The vision’s key scripture is 1 John 3:16 [11-18] and pretty much love is the answer… they’ll be more on that later

So I have this cavity in my mouth… well I have this disease in my mouth that makes my teeth very fragil and easily get cavities no matter how well I take care of them… but back to this cavity… I have this cavity in my mouth and the tooth wasn’t in enough for me to get the cavity filled because my teeth also stopped coming in halfway in the back because of the disease because I’m so lucky… so they wanted to take the tooth out… Now I’ve had 4 teeth pulled out of my mouth and I felt every single tug and pull and it was horrible and extremely painful… something I’d never want to experience ever again… PLUS the tooth wasn’t giving me any problems and so I didn’t see any reason to get the tooth pulled to cause me pain… and I already have less than the normal amount of teeth… I don’t want to lose another… My mother agreed with me and talked me out of going in for the next appointment… This was like maybe 6-8 months ago… Maybe like a few days ago the tooth has started hurting really badly in my mouth… It actually was loose and a piece of it broke off… and I’m pretty sure my mouth has been bleeding for the past few days plus the gums on the outside where the tooth is is majorly swollen… In case you’re wondering… yes this is extremely painful… Now why did the dentists want to take this tooth out when they did??? It didn’t hurt me then??? Not at all… BUT!!!! They knew that it would most likely cause me pain later and that it’d be better to get it out before the pain was caused…

We were born with this disease… the urge and or desire to sin… God knows our whole life story… God knows everything from beginning to end… Sometimes he tells us to do stuff… we see it as painful and honestly see it as pointless… We don’t want to let go of our sin… Then things get painful and we try to take care of it ourselves and make things worse… and then are stuck… Just salivate on that

 

All I’ve got to say is you’ve got to be kidding me…
“Bush was God’s choice” LOL
Who comes up with this stuff???