So I just got back from a conference studying Acts and just seeing how on fire for God the early church was right when they received the Holy Spirit and I am excited.

I was just watching the 700 Club (yes I’m old… but it came on after Secret Life on ABC Family and I didn’t have my remote on-hand) and saw this one report of a Iraqi Christian who was tortured for 7 months for his conversion to Christianity from Islam… Everyday he endured gruesome torture of eclectic shock, beating, and much more… and you know what he said constantly to the men who was doing this to him? Jesus loves you!!! And you know what else… he smuggled a bible in the prison and EVANGELIZED to the very guards who would beat him every day and got 4 to convert!!!

This is just awesome and yet so convicting… He allowed the Holy Spirit to work through him the whole time he was in that prison… never backing down on his proclamation of Christ… yet I have crippling fear to proclaim Jesus as the only way to God because I might be rejected or might offend… The early Christians all died proclaiming Christ… from persecution… are you willing to do the same???

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So this week has been really rough for me… mostly due to the fact that I haven’t been really trusting God with a situation that I’m facing. I can’t remember who said it but a good truth that I heard recently was that most of the time we don’t entrust God with the little things in our lives and don’t put that into practice, and then when a big thing arises we go to God but we don’t really go correctly because we haven’t been really going to God with the other things… This is somewhat the case for me… I will honestly admit that I haven’t given hadn’t given my WHOLE life to God… mostly due to lack of faith (which is silly because that brings up doubt in the sovereignty of God and His power and love and I might as well not believe in God at all if that is going to be my mentality) My problem… I don’t constantly meditate on the word or on God’s promises to me… and I don’t confess them daily… so while I may know them when they are spoken to me or when I come across them in scripture, I am hard pressed to know what to say/pray when in urgent need… and THAT is very dangerous… I have been getting by thus far through knowing who to go to when this happens who can speak truth into situations and pray with power… but its time out for dependence on people with that… I can pray for myself and know how to get into the presence of God… I need to be able to pray in times of crisis and personal need too… depending on the Only True God and not man…

I’m not sure why this situation is arising… and my pastors always say God doesn’t need to use bad things to get your attention… like God doesn’t need to break your ankle to tell you you need to rest… He can just do it… But it doesn’t really matter why anymore… because the lesson that I’m learning that’ll last me a lifetime… and the devil can be mad because I already had victory over this situation before I even knew it existed…

So I am questioning if this is my refining process… Its funny because in our leadership meeting @ the beginning of the semester we studied John 15 and I was the only one who spoke up saying I don’t know if I like this refining business… I mean like really it just doesn’t sound like fun to me… Mind you I wasn’t really looking at the other option (being cut off and pretty much dying) I was just focused on how pruning and cleansing had the potential to be very painful… So after wallowing in self-pity for half the week I have finally been awakened to the reality of the situation… and I can praise God for that… This was awakened through a note someone wrote on facebook which I believe he said is from My Utmost for His Highest… (which now after reading this I might want that book) 

“Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar.” The altar means fire—burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the altar; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

I’ve been praying and asking God to consume my worship… and I believe that in order to do that… with that fire, he has to purify me… that means cutting me off from my past completely… something I sometimes try to hold on to… or sometimes beat myself up for… But God doesn’t remember our sins and I continually do not need to remember them either… this goes back to a message we heard in Atlanta… Remember in the Hebrew translation means to bring into the present… I know ya’ll may not understand… but its ok… if someone gets it that’s kool… they can understand why I cry these tears of joy right now… Just another praise for my testimony… of how Great… Awesome… Marvelous… Wonderful… Splendorous… Incredible… Mighty… I could go on… MY GOD is… Oh I’m excited… It may have not been immediate but I got there… I could scream…  I can’t even type no more I’m so excited… My God… Ya’ll just don’t know… Giving God my EVERYTHING… my WHOLE BEING… I am SO on FIRE

A poem I wrote in Atlanta called Remember Me

So I was thinking about my life goals and how they are very ambitious… I found myself saying I doubt I’ll complete all of them…

Goals within the next 5 years:
Develop healthy platonic relationships (preferably ongoing within the next 4-5 months)
Move out of my mother’s house (preferably within the next 8 months to a year)
Get out of debt (preferably within the next year)
Do a summer missions project in Cairo (2-3 years?)
Do a summer missions project with CTI Ministries (1-2 years)
Make use of all the pages in my Passport and travel the world (life long)
Remaster my instrumental abilities in piano and guitar (this year)
Own an Acura for my vehicle (more…)