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I admit it… I’m a cry baby… I’ve always been one and I guess I’ll always be one LOL…

What triggered this revelation? LOL

Well my poor brother had a bad day @ school today and came back from his basketball game upset… When my mother picked us up from his school (cuz that’s where I work) he got into trouble for not having a coat on from this morning. I felt bad for hime for a lil bit cuz my mother doesn’t know when to stop yelling and leave well enough alone and he was already upset… It doesn’t help that he crosses the line and yells @ her for her to leave him alone… I wanted to come to his rescue but I wasn’t in the self sacrificing mood… (Thank you Jesus for not saying that that day on the cross)…

Anyway my mother (God bless her heart) doesn’t know how to handle situations well… And I actually blame her for my brother’s anger… She asks me what was wrong with him and I said I didn’t know because he had told me earlier he didn’t want to talk about it so I left him alone *hint hint… but no… she goes to pry when he’s already mad @ her for yelling @ him the way she did… and its not bad that she went to pry because it kinda shows in her on way that she does care… but it was the way she did it… and he doesn’t want to talk to her so what does she do? Yell more… I mean you’re not going to get him to talk about what’s wrong with him if you’re yelling @ him making him feel worse… He has an anger rage fit and she yells @ him more and it continually escalates while I pray that she just leaves him alone…

Anyway… she leaves and I talk to my brother while he packs because apparently he’s leaving (I’ve done that plenty of times @ his age and even did leave once)… As he sits there crying telling me what’s wrong I start crying… I’m like what is wrong with you Ashley come on you’re supposed to be helping him not crying… My heart was breaking for this kid… he’s growing up going through the trials of being a teen and of living with a verbally abusive mother… and I cry… but I think I get through to him somehow…

It made me think about how I’d be with my kids when they’re in crisis… whether I’d sit there and cry with them… or have a backbone and be strong for them… I know I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE OR TALK DOWN TO THEM IN ANYWAY… I love my mother I think… I just know I REFUSE to be like her…

Off to play the wii wit my bro πŸ™‚

*** Edit: My brother slept in my room again last night like he did before I left for Atlanta… only this time he slept in the bed with me… all I have to say is NEVER again LOL I got no sleep haha… He’s lucky I love him LOL ***

So I give credit to this girl from Bowie named Alicia for this but seriously why do people listen to this song and why is it so popular???

“Paper Planes”

[x2]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

[x2]
Sometimes I think sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I’m clocking that game
Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame
Bonafide hustler making my name

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

[x2]
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bongs
Running when we hit ’em
Lethal poison through their system

[x2]
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell just pumping that gas

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business

Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go
Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go

OK so I can understand slightly if you don’t know any better and have NO IDEA what she’s talkin about from the surface… and that its difficult to read in between the lines and all… BUT I looked this chick up with some encouragement from Alicia πŸ™‚ and she says what her song is about!!!! Wanna know??? I’m sure you’re curious now…. Terrorism…. Most of the reviews of her songs are like very political and humorous… but SHE said

I wanted to see if I could write songs about something important and make it sound like nothing. And it kind of worked…I haven’t heard honesty in music for so long and this is how I feel, and this is what I think. You don’t even have to say words.. I was just being as raw as possible. I wanted to make music that you felt in your gut…. You can’t separate the world into two parts like that, good and evil. Terrorism is a method. But America has successfully tied all these pockets of independence struggles, revolutions and extremists into one big notion of terrorism.

Does anyone NOT see a red flag here??? But yet and still this SONG as a single record received a Grammy Award for Best Record of the Year… Did I miss something???? LOL I mean like I’m not into the Grammys and all that cuz I only listen to Christian Music but Do we not live in America? Did not 9/11 happen??? Are we not @ war right now in Iraq for what was said a War on Terrorism? And yet we condone music like this because of that wonderful freedom of speech??? I could be totally wrong and let me know if I am cuz I’ll recant… Seriously…

So I was inspired to write this post by a few things…

First, my lil cousin called me today to tell me that her birthday is on monday… Like I needed the reminder LOL

She’s turning 19, about to go into the airforce, and trying to go to school. Makes me so proud LOL… my lil one is growing up LOL

Second, my bff (Jill) Angela wrote a blog about how she felt old and she’s only like 6 months older than me

Lastly, while reading TheNorEaster’s blog today I was brought attention to somethings about my maturity that I’d like to blog about

So I’m 22 years old… I don’t feel 22 at all. Sometimes I feel 5 other times I feel 15… All the time, I feel like a little kid.. not a 22 year old adult. I think alot is accredited to the fact that I am still in school, still live at home with my mother, and do not have a job. Maybe also because many people have told me that I needed to grow up.

Lately though I have been finding myself feeling more mature and interested in things that I didn’t even understand as a child. These mostly deal with the parallels of television and movies to the concepts and things of God and religion. A few that come to mind are Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, and Harry Potter. These 4 things used to bore me to death… I had no interest in them at all. If Star Trek was on the television I’d be sleep in 5 seconds. I had no desired to watch any of the Lord of the Rings, Chronicles, or Harry Potter movies before… even as recently as a year ago. I watched Lord of the Rings the other day and found it quite intriguing. I also might probably go see that new Star Trek Movie in 2009 thanks to the wonderful trailers of Noreaster. I saw parallels of things of God and think I might actually enjoy it. I think we all know that one person who can pull out a message about Jesus from anywhere… LOL Like this one awesome guy named Bret had this great evangelism talk from this utterly ridiculous youtube video called Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain.

I digress… LOL anywhoΒ  I bring that up because I know am being able to see Jesus in everyday things and I think its awesome and a reflection of maturity and my relationship with God… And yet still not an indication that I’m OLD! πŸ™‚

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Oh yeah… and if you enjoyed that last video… how about Charlie the Unicorn Part 2

So going into college I had no idea who I was, or what I really wanted to do with my life…

4 years later I’m still in college and still really don’t know what I want to do with my life… Well that’s not true, I do know what I want to do with my life… but I really don’t need a degree to do it. I feel like God has called me into ministry. None of this makes my mother happy… she thinks I should’ve graduated from school by now (though she never graduated from college), have majored in computer technology (for the money of course), and studying @ University of Maryland vs. Bowie (though Maryland costs 10x more than Bowie). She also thinks I should still be going to a church where I’m not growing spiritually because the family should go to church together and the dancers miss me… *rolls eyes* Yeah… because those are all good reasons to be @ a church… not God @ all… and people wonder why Jesus redefined family and said we should prefer God over our family… I mean because if I put my mom before God I’d still be in a place that’s not good for me… unhappy because I’m doing something just to please her (AND that wouldn’t satisfy her anyway) and not my God-given purpose and I’d prolly be more miserable than I currently am… Nonetheless, I’m learning to be content

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately… really weird… and they caused me to cry… even though the dreams are of nothing… because they didn’t happen and are weird… but yet they did… oh well

So here I am @ 4 am awake, writing another blog… I have sleep issues and I need to get that fixed…

So I took a poll about what I should blog about and apparently the few faithfuls would like to hear my opinion about Obama and the black church surprise surprise LOL…

So yeah… I don’t even really know how to start this post… I want to say I’m not dissing Barack Obama, nor am I down playing this historic event. I’m happy that Barack Obama’s skin color did not prevent people from voting for him but I also hope he was voted for, for the right reasons. That’s not why I’m writing this post however.

I’ve seen and heard some disturbing things regarding the Black Community specifically the Black Church and Barack Obama and I just wanted to put my opinions out there about it. I was on the way home from bible study listening to talk Radio and the guy, Austin Hill was complaining because he attended a church on Nov. 9 that he believed was worshiping Barack Obama with a huge picture of the President Elect and his family. He urged listeners to just to search google about Barack Obama and the Black Church and see how many results we’d turn up. He had callers infuriated because he was condemning the Black Community for their actions. I for one agreed with him (and I rarely agree with his views)… it was wrong for people to put someone so high that it borderlines worship; for God himself said

“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

3 “You shall have no other gods before [a] me.

4 “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me

Now I did what he suggested and it disturbed me… Now this one takes the cake too… I heard that there were people singing a song… the song In the Name of Jesus… and replacing the name of Jesus and inserting Barack… Now that is just wrong…. I just suggest that we check ourselves whether we are worshiping Barack Obama or something else… because it is a sin…

Side note: Barack Obama has done nothing yet… Just wait and see what he does… Also… you can’t compare him to Martin Luther King Jr. cuz he’s NOT him for one… and he’s not working for the same cause Dr. King was… Martin Luther King paved the way for this history to occur but they are as of yet… incomparable…

Calender

I’m not saying Barack Obama won’t do great things or achieve greatness… I just think people are holding him on so high of a pedestal he can do nothing but fail your expectations. You’re setting him up for failure so remember… if you’re upset don’t blame him… blame yourself.

So I came across this test that analyzes your blog and determines your blog personality type from that (pretty much your writing style). It was very interesting and actually pretty close to my actual personality type from the real Myers-Briggs and I thought I’d just share it.

ISFP – The Artists

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Analysis

This show what parts of the brain that were dominant during writing.
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So I always am motivated to do things by one thing or another. I’m motivated to get up in the morning because I need to go to class. I’m motivated to go to class because that’s how I get good grades. I’m motivated to get good grades because I want to graduate. I’m motivated to graduate to get my degree and a chance at a decent job. I’m motivated to do that because… well because that’s what society tells us to do.

There was a point in time when my sole motivation for going to college was so I could get a good job to be able to have my 2 youngest siblings move in with me so I could take care of and support them because I thought my step-mother and father weren’t doing a very good job because neither of them had a job or degree and it just was pretty horrible. That was 4 years ago. There also was a point in time when I said I was going to drop out of school because I was so sick and tired of it and couldn’t stand it anymore because it was holding me back from “life”. That was 3 weeks ago! Let me just say that my siblings are actually in a much worse place than they were 4 years ago when they were my motivation for getting my degree and that it’s only the grace of God that’s been keeping them thus far but they are no longer a strong enough motivation for me to complete that goal.

n39901804_31148523_5067

Jhamir 7, Savannah 8

When I do get the motivation to clean my room, it is because I’m tired of looking at the mess and not being able to find things. Unfortunately that motivation almost always passes very quickly and I don’t mind sitting in my mess for a few more months. Its not that I totally enjoy filth, because quite frankly I really don’t like it, but more that I’m not too motivated to do something about it.

100_0864

Very old picture of my room clean in college

I’ve always been motivated to lose weight and be a smaller size. More because the scale says that I’m obese than anything else but also because I think I’d look better if I were just a lil bit smaller. My family has always called me big girl and my mom has always compared my size to hers when she was my age (she was actually quite skinny before she got pregnant with me) and all signs pointed to I need to lose weight. But then I do certain self esteem exercises where you’re supposed to love yourself the way you are and I quickly lose those motivations (which weren’t very good ones to begin with).

Me in Oct '08

Me in Oct

My pastor (I think it was my pastor LOL //*edit* it was my pastor πŸ™‚ first lady but pastor nonetheless//) said that our motivation for doing something ought to be lined up with the Word of God because if it isn’t it won’t sustain us to the point of striving to meet that goal or expectation. I know this all too well with my failed attempts @ change and how I too often give up on things that I know are good for me to do. But the Word should drive us to be steadfast and endure because you’re not doing it for anyone but God and striving to please Him and that’s unchanging. I think she also said it should be out of our Love and Obedience towards God if I’m not mistaken.

So I’m writing this because I definitely need some accountability and PRAYER in the areas I’m trying to work on… mostly to get started but to also keep striving for excellence in completing my goal because I have a tendency to start and stop things very quickly. Now some of these things I can start doing now… and others I can’t but because certain variables are needed… but I still need to be reminded constantly of them because otherwise when I will have the opportunity to do them, I won’t forget and not do them.

So this is my Personal Growth Chart for the moment. I filled this out on my own in case you’re wondering because its all typed and what not. I typed it up and then printed it out and then scanned it as a picture so I could share it with you all because I think its a valuable tool to have. I know there are plenty of other scriptures to support cleanliness and finances I just couldn’t find them so if you have some please do share and I’ll add them and meditate on them as well!!!

MY ECC Personal Growth Chart

ECC Personal Growth Chart

Now this is an expanded comprehensive chart of areas in my character that I want to be in excellence in. Now I have some other things I’d like to do just out of shear obedience too.

  • Say my daily confessions from ECC and from Dare 2 B U group
  • Write in my journal daily from ECC, Dare 2 B U group, and my own personal journal (That’s alot of journaling LOL)
  • Share my faith with at LEAST one person a week (with a heart to go with it not just to be keeping tabs on doing my “christianly duties”.
  • Sleep no more or less than 6-8 hours a night (I currently have a sleeping issue if you couldn’t tell with my writing a blog @ 5 am)
  • Eat 3 right portioned meals a day (I currently eat 1 meal a day… it’s really bad)
  • Tell my brother (Andrew, 12) I love him a least once a day (OMG I can’t believe I just wrote that LOL) and give him a hug (You can definitely tell I didn’t come up with this one… definitely the Holy Spirit there LOL… I’ma definitely need help with THIS!!!!)
  • Pray aloud for a least 30 min a day (this is getting deep… I can pray in my head all day long if I wanted to, but aloud… this is gonna be tough)
  • Stop sucking my thumb (it’s my crutch of comfort… I’ve been doing it for 20 years… old habits die hard…)
  • Stop lying to myself (This will be hard for be accountable to but its a big deal because if I lie to myself I’ll lie to anyone for one thing and I try very hard not to lie to other people but readily accept the lies I tell to myself and secondly the lies I tell to myself are very deadly and non life giving and I really really REALLY need to stop)
  • Stop doing the things that I know I can get away with because no one knows but me and God (its nothing major like stealing but sin is sin and again its deadly so something I need to give up)
  • Write out a daily plan for my day and stick to it until I get out of the routine of laziness (Its just deplorable how I slept 15 hours today and pretty much wasted the day away sleeping)
  • Smile for a minimum of 2 hours a day ( I think this is the most difficult task on my list yet LOL)
  • Call my grandmother once a week to say hello (Whoa… have you talked to my grandmother lately??? man… Lol)

I think that’s it for now… I would hope so because that’s alot of things I need to do… but my pastor said on Sunday why work to get only one area of your life in excellence when as soon as you’re there you won’t be able to enjoy it because you look back at all of the other area’s you’re lacking in and see that they aren’t to the caliber of the one area you’re in excellence in and so you’re dissatisfied. I believe God has given me the strength, knowledge, and wisdom to be able to reach these goals. Because He desires that I mirror Jesus and walk in Excellence just as Jesus did so that He may work in me as I work for Him. I’m not saying its going to be easy… because wow… its definitely not… but its possible.

So bear with me… I have like so many ideas to write about and I think about them and then when its time to sit down and write I forget Lol… so I’m going to write a blog about the things I will be writing about over the next few days to come LOL No specific order btw:

Barack Obama and the Black Community (specifically churches)
The Truth Shall make you Free (mini confessional about my former bad habit)
Time and how I waste it mixed with getting back on track with my goals
The joys of reading someone else’s blog
The gift of Christmas
The influence of friends of your actions
The power of words and confession
Overseas Missions
Being Single and loving it
To Write Love On Her Arms (a personal testimony of mine)
Laminin (Do not… I repeat… Do NOT steal my joy by goggling it!! LOL Warning, this is reverse psychology LOL)

LOL… I look like I’ve booked myself for some heavy blogging, but I’m actually excited to write about this stuff because its stuff I think about and stuff I want to get others opinions about and I don’t talk alot and this stuff is interesting and what I’d rather talk about then some of the things my conversations usually consist of now… like relationship problems, or family problems, or just life problems in general!!! LOL So yeah I think this’ll keep me busy for a lil while and I just can’t wait to see what others think Lol… SO I’m going to take a poll of which I should do first LOL because though I’d love to write them all right now… I do have to go to school tomorrow and need to sleep LOL

Names are important… they’re endearing.. they define who you are… most people just don’t let anyone just call them anything

Well I used to put up with it… I felt like I used to have a million nicknames… I used to complain about them too… but now no one really calls me anything but my name I kinda miss it

There used to be a time where Ashley was so foreign to me I felt weird hearing someone call me that AND being introduced as that cuz I had this one friend who stopped using it all together so when she’d tell people who I was it was this is so and so oh.. yeah some people call her Ashley LOL…

I must say though there were some nicknames I didn’t like at all…

When I was little… oh my I can’t believe I’m even about to tell you this LOL… but when I was little my grandmother used to call me ding-aling… why I have NO idea… it was one of THE WORST nicknames I’ve ever had… like I HATED it… but she was my grandmother so I answered to it… it wasn’t until one day when my aunt was like Why do you call her that? (I was like 15 @ the time LOL so I’d already endured 15 long years of this torture) and my grandmother was like I don’t know its just what I call her… and my aunt was like would YOU wanna be called ding-aling? That’s not a very good nickname… *cues the hallelujah chorus*

So I have 4 siblings… all younger… and I was 14 when my youngest bro was born… so of course he and my sister who is only a year older than him couldn’t pronounce my name… so instead of callin me Ash-ley they called me Ashbey… now… I know ya’ll are like awww how cute and it woulda been cute if it only stuck with them and only until they could pronounce my name correctly… but no… my dad, step-mom, and other brothers started callin me that too… UGH I hated it… and then they did it to get on my nerves because they knew I hated it… now I didn’t have to give a reason why I hated to last nickname… cuz I’m sure ANYONE would hate ding-aling… LOL… but I hate Ashbey (along with alot of the other variations of my name) because in elementary school my babysitters granddaughter used to torment me so bad because she didn’t like me because she did bad in school and I did good and they always compared us and it was horrible… but anyway everyday she’d tease me and call me out of my name… but mostly it was Ashy Ashley or something stupid like that… like one day she took the liberty of herself to write on the chalkboard like 100 different variations of my name to make fun of me with… like seriously if she put that much effort into her school work as she did to make fun of me I tell you she woulda been a genius…

Sway… now this is a nickname I acquired in college and I totally didn’t like it… but I did give and only let the people who gave it to me call me that because they were so adamant about it and liked it so much LOL… *rolls eyes* plus… 2 of them… I wouldn’t be able to get them to stop anyway… Eric and Ryan and Bethany were really the only ones allowed to called me Sway… and its all because Eric that wonderful guy said one day that I looked like Sway off of MTV news because I had my hair back in an afro with something covering it like he had on the show… so everytime they saw me Eric and Ryan would try to get me to say “What’s up world this is Sway on MTV news” or something like that whatever is intro was… and of course I’d refuse because it’d just have been egging them on and all then need is a twig to start a fire… I didn’t like Sway for 2 reasons and I think they were very good reasons… 1) Sway’s a freakin DUDE… off MTV… I’m a female, who doesn’t watch MTV and doesn’t like what MTV stands for or promotes… so for me to remind someone of a MALE on MTV is not very pleasurable in my eyes… 2) Sway- the word defined means to fluctuate or vacillate, as in opinion or to move or incline to one side or in a particular direction. At the time I felt like I had a tendency to do that with my faith as a Christian and I totally didn’t want to be defined by that because I was trying to come out of it. So you see… Sway just wasn’t a good nickname for me… but it entertained them for about a year or two LOL… my BFFS LOL

Like I said I don’t like any variation of my name as a nickname… but there’s another reason why too… so of course most people call me Ash… its cute I guess… but I don’t like it… 1) cuz it makes me think about Pokemon and that Ash… and then 2) Ash is something you try to get rid of off your body and 3) Ashes of someone or of fire… I mean I can’t think of anything positive about Ash… plus @ one of the old churches I went to… one of the sunday school teachers loved to call me mAshley mashed potatoes… and I hated it… and like whined everytime he did it… but he wouldn’t stop until I told my mom in tears that I hated that he called me that and then he like apologized saying that he never meant to hurt my feelings… which of course I knew… it just was very annoying to be called out of my name (specially since this was around the time I was getting it from my babysitter’s granddaughter anyway)

So why’d I say all that LOL… IDK I just miss having a nickname… prolly mostly miss the people who called me by those nicknames… I miss how things used to be LOL

*** Edit for Angela πŸ™‚ ***

Chuckles- I got this nickname in college and I love it πŸ™‚ Khia calls me it sometimes but its still not the same LOL So one late night my freshman year I was hanging out with some of my friends in IV namely Hilary and Laura πŸ™‚ and for some reason I just couldn’t stop laughing. Like everything and anything was funny. They thought I was dilussional. Then Hil said “You giggle and chuckle @ every little thing we say… We should call you giggles.” And I laughed @ that but I was like no… LOL So then we decided to go to Bethany and Sanaa’s place because Laura wanted to go to bed. And I laughed the whole walk over and was laughing when Sanaa came down to get us. Hil was like, she has been like this all night so we named her giggles. And I started laughing harder. Sanaa said that’s a lil more than a giggle. And then Hil was like well its between giggles and chuckles and both Bethany and Sanaa and Suzanne all voted chuckles. And there my new nickname was thereby Chuckles. And I laughed everytime they called me that until I got used to it. But then my name went out the door πŸ™‚ Until they left :(… LOL But Suz would introduce me as Chuckles to anyone like seriously. And they’d be confused like is that your real name? LOL And then she’d add, well some people call her Ashley. And then it’d be theres for the choosing. Though I really didn’t like when strangers called me chuckles cuz I think it took away the specialness or something because like you don’t call someone you just meet their nickname… But I was Chuckles to Suz LOL

So I have this cavity in my mouth… well I have this disease in my mouth that makes my teeth very fragil and easily get cavities no matter how well I take care of them… but back to this cavity… I have this cavity in my mouth and the tooth wasn’t in enough for me to get the cavity filled because my teeth also stopped coming in halfway in the back because of the disease because I’m so lucky… so they wanted to take the tooth out… Now I’ve had 4 teeth pulled out of my mouth and I felt every single tug and pull and it was horrible and extremely painful… something I’d never want to experience ever again… PLUS the tooth wasn’t giving me any problems and so I didn’t see any reason to get the tooth pulled to cause me pain… and I already have less than the normal amount of teeth… I don’t want to lose another… My mother agreed with me and talked me out of going in for the next appointment… This was like maybe 6-8 months ago… Maybe like a few days ago the tooth has started hurting really badly in my mouth… It actually was loose and a piece of it broke off… and I’m pretty sure my mouth has been bleeding for the past few days plus the gums on the outside where the tooth is is majorly swollen… In case you’re wondering… yes this is extremely painful… Now why did the dentists want to take this tooth out when they did??? It didn’t hurt me then??? Not at all… BUT!!!! They knew that it would most likely cause me pain later and that it’d be better to get it out before the pain was caused…

We were born with this disease… the urge and or desire to sin… God knows our whole life story… God knows everything from beginning to end… Sometimes he tells us to do stuff… we see it as painful and honestly see it as pointless… We don’t want to let go of our sin… Then things get painful and we try to take care of it ourselves and make things worse… and then are stuck…Β Just salivate on that

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