Life


So I have a plan and I’m like extremely excited…

But first the JOURNEY… LOL

If you’ve known me for awhile you know college hasn’t really been my thing… I came to college because it was what was expected of me because I did well in high school and I wanted to get money to take care of my family. When I got to college I always said it should just be a social experience… 4 years of hanging out with people… no classes. I wasn’t really interested in anything really but I was good with computers so I picked the major of Information Systems Development. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I mean while I spend every waking hour on the computer now, I didn’t like fixing problems or not knowing how to fix a problem (come across this alot) and the joy of being on the computer would be taken away because it was work. I also had begun growing spiritually in my faith and saw how I needed to follow Jesus with my whole life meaning career path as well. I never had asked God for direction in any area of my life like that before. So I asked… I think… LOL

So what I heard from God was to teach so that’s what I was going to do. Now I knew it was from God because all my life I’d been saying that I can’t teach so I didn’t make it up. So the plan was to change my major to Music Education because I love music (and play 4 instruments and sing) and God told me to teach plus I love children. Right? WRONG! LOL So after being convinced by someone who thought they were looking out for my best interests that I wouldn’t be able to get into the music program because my skill level wasn’t to the caliber needed I changed my major to just Elementary Education and was going to minor in Music. So getting into the Education program at my school was just as hard if not harder than getting into the Music program, especially since I was transferring into the program. BUT the only thing that was truly holding me back was my GPA which was a 2.97 and it needed to be a 3.0… So when I got to a point where I couldn’t take anymore classes except the ones in the Education program and I couldn’t get in because of my GPA I had to change my minor to Special Education just to be able to take classes and bring my GPA up. Needless to say that didn’t happen… in fact it went down to a 2.94 and I still wasn’t allowed in the program.

At this point (and many other points) I’m ready to just quit school. So I didn’t really seek God at that point about what I should do and I was in fact quite confused because I didn’t understand if he told me to teach why I couldn’t get into the program. (of course I know now :)) Anyway that was around the end of my junior year, so I began to look into any major that I could take that would have me to graduate in the least amount of time. The major would be Behavioral Science which is like the head of Sociology which seemed very interesting to me when I had to take Soc 100. So that’s what I did… my plan was to get out of school as soon as possible with any degree and just figure out my life after I graduated. Well needless to say THAT didn’t happen either. LOL

I had some big attacks of the enemy which led me to actually leave school in the middle of the semester and not return to that particular school. But the day I came home even I was being asked so what are you going to do? Where are you going to school? You need to register soon its around the time of deadlines. Which I guess was the voice of God in a way because I probably wouldn’t be in school right now had that not happened. BUT again I did not consult God and ask Him His plan and purpose for my life but jumped right into applying and registering for a school that made sense I would go to because it was cheap, it was close (and I thought it’d be easy to get there though found not the case), and it didn’t hurt that my mentor/ big sister worked there.

The only thing was it didn’t have my major so I had to change my major again… the most logical choice at the time was Sociology because it was the closest to my previous major. After being accepted and doing more research about the programs and things I decided I wanted to study children. So that’s what I signed up for. The only problem was there was this one class that was a prerequisite  for all of the following classes. Meaning I could only take that one class. I had a few more classes I could take because of the graduation requirements for the school but not enough to be full time so I just signed up for “fun” (courses I didn’t need but thought would be useful to me) classes to fill my schedule. On October 9th I have a break down and I’m just like I have no direction in my life I don’t know where God is taking me or why I’m even here or what I’m doing with my life… I feel like I’m going no where… I’m dropping out of school forever and moving out of my house and living with a friend!!! Yeah I was a mess… yeah I didn’t drop out of school… but I did drop down to part time and I did FINALLY seek God for direction and I waited for his direction and didn’t get it until December 4th.

I’m excited about it because before I never really had a Graduation Plan where I sat down and looked at everything I needed to do to graduate. But like I have this comprehensive list of everything that I’m going to take from now until I graduate in 2011. Oh yeah and I changed my major of course LOL… It is now Business Administration Management. I feel it is in line with what God wants me to do with my life even going into ministry because my vision is to open my own dance studio and that will be a business and I’ll definitely need to know how to operate it properly. Oh and if you’re wondering where the teaching comes in… I’ll be teaching dance classes @ my studio so I didn’t heard God incorrectly when He told me to teach… I just didn’t wait to hear the whole thing… So my graduation countdown has finally begun! Spring 2011 here I come! 🙂
Oh yeah did I mention that I’m ending this semester with  4.0 and because I transferred schools my old GPA is wiped clean??? I could write a whole blog about that one 🙂 but Wohoo!

Here’s my graduation plan just in case you’re interested 😉

Graduation Plan

Spring 2009

Introduction to Business

African-American History to 1865

Introduction to Principles of Reasoning

Life and Health

Technical & Report Writing I

Fall 2009

Principles of Marketing

Principles of Management

Principles of Accounting I

Principles of Macroeconomics

Principles of Microeconomics

Spring 2010

Principles of Accounting II

Business Law I

Money and Banking

Business/Economic Statistics I

Organizational Behavior

Principles of Supervision & Leadership

Fall 2010

Business Law II

Management Problems

Principles of Finance

Human Resource Management

Spring 2011

Quantitative Methods in Decision Making

Entrepreneurship & New Enterprises

Business Strategy and Policy

Production and Operation Management

So I have a problem with complaining. When something goes a way differently than I think it should go I get upset about it, moan and groan, and probably go into the thoughts of my life sucks and nothing ever goes right.

In trying to Do the Word that I KNOW and take every thought captive (from motivation of Darla) instead of sitting here and continually mulling over the bad day I am experiencing I’m going to do the opposite and praise God for what I didn’t get.

So instead of complaining about the fact that my professor cancelled class with no notice to me causing me to ride the bus to school for 2 hours and waste my time and money…
I will rejoice and Praise God that I have the privilege to be in school, the ability to learn, time to spend with God and doing the things of God, and the money to pay for my transportation.

Instead of complaining about the fact that I lost my headphones and can’t listen to my music from my mp3 player…
I will rejoice and Praise God that I have my hearing and ability to praise and worship God freely.

Instead of complaining about the fact that I possibly lost $20 and can’t get lunch or anything to eat right now…
I will rejoice and Praise God that he supplies all my needs and that I am not currently starving but have food in my cabinets and refrigerator @ home

Psalm 9:1-2

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
       I will tell of all your wonders.

I will be glad and rejoice in you;
       I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

Philippians 4:4

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

So I was inspired to write this post by a few things…

First, my lil cousin called me today to tell me that her birthday is on monday… Like I needed the reminder LOL

She’s turning 19, about to go into the airforce, and trying to go to school. Makes me so proud LOL… my lil one is growing up LOL

Second, my bff (Jill) Angela wrote a blog about how she felt old and she’s only like 6 months older than me

Lastly, while reading TheNorEaster’s blog today I was brought attention to somethings about my maturity that I’d like to blog about

So I’m 22 years old… I don’t feel 22 at all. Sometimes I feel 5 other times I feel 15… All the time, I feel like a little kid.. not a 22 year old adult. I think alot is accredited to the fact that I am still in school, still live at home with my mother, and do not have a job. Maybe also because many people have told me that I needed to grow up.

Lately though I have been finding myself feeling more mature and interested in things that I didn’t even understand as a child. These mostly deal with the parallels of television and movies to the concepts and things of God and religion. A few that come to mind are Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, and Harry Potter. These 4 things used to bore me to death… I had no interest in them at all. If Star Trek was on the television I’d be sleep in 5 seconds. I had no desired to watch any of the Lord of the Rings, Chronicles, or Harry Potter movies before… even as recently as a year ago. I watched Lord of the Rings the other day and found it quite intriguing. I also might probably go see that new Star Trek Movie in 2009 thanks to the wonderful trailers of Noreaster. I saw parallels of things of God and think I might actually enjoy it. I think we all know that one person who can pull out a message about Jesus from anywhere… LOL Like this one awesome guy named Bret had this great evangelism talk from this utterly ridiculous youtube video called Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain.

I digress… LOL anywho  I bring that up because I know am being able to see Jesus in everyday things and I think its awesome and a reflection of maturity and my relationship with God… And yet still not an indication that I’m OLD! 🙂

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Oh yeah… and if you enjoyed that last video… how about Charlie the Unicorn Part 2

So going into college I had no idea who I was, or what I really wanted to do with my life…

4 years later I’m still in college and still really don’t know what I want to do with my life… Well that’s not true, I do know what I want to do with my life… but I really don’t need a degree to do it. I feel like God has called me into ministry. None of this makes my mother happy… she thinks I should’ve graduated from school by now (though she never graduated from college), have majored in computer technology (for the money of course), and studying @ University of Maryland vs. Bowie (though Maryland costs 10x more than Bowie). She also thinks I should still be going to a church where I’m not growing spiritually because the family should go to church together and the dancers miss me… *rolls eyes* Yeah… because those are all good reasons to be @ a church… not God @ all… and people wonder why Jesus redefined family and said we should prefer God over our family… I mean because if I put my mom before God I’d still be in a place that’s not good for me… unhappy because I’m doing something just to please her (AND that wouldn’t satisfy her anyway) and not my God-given purpose and I’d prolly be more miserable than I currently am… Nonetheless, I’m learning to be content

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately… really weird… and they caused me to cry… even though the dreams are of nothing… because they didn’t happen and are weird… but yet they did… oh well

So I always am motivated to do things by one thing or another. I’m motivated to get up in the morning because I need to go to class. I’m motivated to go to class because that’s how I get good grades. I’m motivated to get good grades because I want to graduate. I’m motivated to graduate to get my degree and a chance at a decent job. I’m motivated to do that because… well because that’s what society tells us to do.

There was a point in time when my sole motivation for going to college was so I could get a good job to be able to have my 2 youngest siblings move in with me so I could take care of and support them because I thought my step-mother and father weren’t doing a very good job because neither of them had a job or degree and it just was pretty horrible. That was 4 years ago. There also was a point in time when I said I was going to drop out of school because I was so sick and tired of it and couldn’t stand it anymore because it was holding me back from “life”. That was 3 weeks ago! Let me just say that my siblings are actually in a much worse place than they were 4 years ago when they were my motivation for getting my degree and that it’s only the grace of God that’s been keeping them thus far but they are no longer a strong enough motivation for me to complete that goal.

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Jhamir 7, Savannah 8

When I do get the motivation to clean my room, it is because I’m tired of looking at the mess and not being able to find things. Unfortunately that motivation almost always passes very quickly and I don’t mind sitting in my mess for a few more months. Its not that I totally enjoy filth, because quite frankly I really don’t like it, but more that I’m not too motivated to do something about it.

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Very old picture of my room clean in college

I’ve always been motivated to lose weight and be a smaller size. More because the scale says that I’m obese than anything else but also because I think I’d look better if I were just a lil bit smaller. My family has always called me big girl and my mom has always compared my size to hers when she was my age (she was actually quite skinny before she got pregnant with me) and all signs pointed to I need to lose weight. But then I do certain self esteem exercises where you’re supposed to love yourself the way you are and I quickly lose those motivations (which weren’t very good ones to begin with).

Me in Oct '08

Me in Oct

My pastor (I think it was my pastor LOL //*edit* it was my pastor 🙂 first lady but pastor nonetheless//) said that our motivation for doing something ought to be lined up with the Word of God because if it isn’t it won’t sustain us to the point of striving to meet that goal or expectation. I know this all too well with my failed attempts @ change and how I too often give up on things that I know are good for me to do. But the Word should drive us to be steadfast and endure because you’re not doing it for anyone but God and striving to please Him and that’s unchanging. I think she also said it should be out of our Love and Obedience towards God if I’m not mistaken.

So I’m writing this because I definitely need some accountability and PRAYER in the areas I’m trying to work on… mostly to get started but to also keep striving for excellence in completing my goal because I have a tendency to start and stop things very quickly. Now some of these things I can start doing now… and others I can’t but because certain variables are needed… but I still need to be reminded constantly of them because otherwise when I will have the opportunity to do them, I won’t forget and not do them.

So this is my Personal Growth Chart for the moment. I filled this out on my own in case you’re wondering because its all typed and what not. I typed it up and then printed it out and then scanned it as a picture so I could share it with you all because I think its a valuable tool to have. I know there are plenty of other scriptures to support cleanliness and finances I just couldn’t find them so if you have some please do share and I’ll add them and meditate on them as well!!!

MY ECC Personal Growth Chart

ECC Personal Growth Chart

Now this is an expanded comprehensive chart of areas in my character that I want to be in excellence in. Now I have some other things I’d like to do just out of shear obedience too.

  • Say my daily confessions from ECC and from Dare 2 B U group
  • Write in my journal daily from ECC, Dare 2 B U group, and my own personal journal (That’s alot of journaling LOL)
  • Share my faith with at LEAST one person a week (with a heart to go with it not just to be keeping tabs on doing my “christianly duties”.
  • Sleep no more or less than 6-8 hours a night (I currently have a sleeping issue if you couldn’t tell with my writing a blog @ 5 am)
  • Eat 3 right portioned meals a day (I currently eat 1 meal a day… it’s really bad)
  • Tell my brother (Andrew, 12) I love him a least once a day (OMG I can’t believe I just wrote that LOL) and give him a hug (You can definitely tell I didn’t come up with this one… definitely the Holy Spirit there LOL… I’ma definitely need help with THIS!!!!)
  • Pray aloud for a least 30 min a day (this is getting deep… I can pray in my head all day long if I wanted to, but aloud… this is gonna be tough)
  • Stop sucking my thumb (it’s my crutch of comfort… I’ve been doing it for 20 years… old habits die hard…)
  • Stop lying to myself (This will be hard for be accountable to but its a big deal because if I lie to myself I’ll lie to anyone for one thing and I try very hard not to lie to other people but readily accept the lies I tell to myself and secondly the lies I tell to myself are very deadly and non life giving and I really really REALLY need to stop)
  • Stop doing the things that I know I can get away with because no one knows but me and God (its nothing major like stealing but sin is sin and again its deadly so something I need to give up)
  • Write out a daily plan for my day and stick to it until I get out of the routine of laziness (Its just deplorable how I slept 15 hours today and pretty much wasted the day away sleeping)
  • Smile for a minimum of 2 hours a day ( I think this is the most difficult task on my list yet LOL)
  • Call my grandmother once a week to say hello (Whoa… have you talked to my grandmother lately??? man… Lol)

I think that’s it for now… I would hope so because that’s alot of things I need to do… but my pastor said on Sunday why work to get only one area of your life in excellence when as soon as you’re there you won’t be able to enjoy it because you look back at all of the other area’s you’re lacking in and see that they aren’t to the caliber of the one area you’re in excellence in and so you’re dissatisfied. I believe God has given me the strength, knowledge, and wisdom to be able to reach these goals. Because He desires that I mirror Jesus and walk in Excellence just as Jesus did so that He may work in me as I work for Him. I’m not saying its going to be easy… because wow… its definitely not… but its possible.

So bear with me… I have like so many ideas to write about and I think about them and then when its time to sit down and write I forget Lol… so I’m going to write a blog about the things I will be writing about over the next few days to come LOL No specific order btw:

Barack Obama and the Black Community (specifically churches)
The Truth Shall make you Free (mini confessional about my former bad habit)
Time and how I waste it mixed with getting back on track with my goals
The joys of reading someone else’s blog
The gift of Christmas
The influence of friends of your actions
The power of words and confession
Overseas Missions
Being Single and loving it
To Write Love On Her Arms (a personal testimony of mine)
Laminin (Do not… I repeat… Do NOT steal my joy by goggling it!! LOL Warning, this is reverse psychology LOL)

LOL… I look like I’ve booked myself for some heavy blogging, but I’m actually excited to write about this stuff because its stuff I think about and stuff I want to get others opinions about and I don’t talk alot and this stuff is interesting and what I’d rather talk about then some of the things my conversations usually consist of now… like relationship problems, or family problems, or just life problems in general!!! LOL So yeah I think this’ll keep me busy for a lil while and I just can’t wait to see what others think Lol… SO I’m going to take a poll of which I should do first LOL because though I’d love to write them all right now… I do have to go to school tomorrow and need to sleep LOL

Names are important… they’re endearing.. they define who you are… most people just don’t let anyone just call them anything

Well I used to put up with it… I felt like I used to have a million nicknames… I used to complain about them too… but now no one really calls me anything but my name I kinda miss it

There used to be a time where Ashley was so foreign to me I felt weird hearing someone call me that AND being introduced as that cuz I had this one friend who stopped using it all together so when she’d tell people who I was it was this is so and so oh.. yeah some people call her Ashley LOL…

I must say though there were some nicknames I didn’t like at all…

When I was little… oh my I can’t believe I’m even about to tell you this LOL… but when I was little my grandmother used to call me ding-aling… why I have NO idea… it was one of THE WORST nicknames I’ve ever had… like I HATED it… but she was my grandmother so I answered to it… it wasn’t until one day when my aunt was like Why do you call her that? (I was like 15 @ the time LOL so I’d already endured 15 long years of this torture) and my grandmother was like I don’t know its just what I call her… and my aunt was like would YOU wanna be called ding-aling? That’s not a very good nickname… *cues the hallelujah chorus*

So I have 4 siblings… all younger… and I was 14 when my youngest bro was born… so of course he and my sister who is only a year older than him couldn’t pronounce my name… so instead of callin me Ash-ley they called me Ashbey… now… I know ya’ll are like awww how cute and it woulda been cute if it only stuck with them and only until they could pronounce my name correctly… but no… my dad, step-mom, and other brothers started callin me that too… UGH I hated it… and then they did it to get on my nerves because they knew I hated it… now I didn’t have to give a reason why I hated to last nickname… cuz I’m sure ANYONE would hate ding-aling… LOL… but I hate Ashbey (along with alot of the other variations of my name) because in elementary school my babysitters granddaughter used to torment me so bad because she didn’t like me because she did bad in school and I did good and they always compared us and it was horrible… but anyway everyday she’d tease me and call me out of my name… but mostly it was Ashy Ashley or something stupid like that… like one day she took the liberty of herself to write on the chalkboard like 100 different variations of my name to make fun of me with… like seriously if she put that much effort into her school work as she did to make fun of me I tell you she woulda been a genius…

Sway… now this is a nickname I acquired in college and I totally didn’t like it… but I did give and only let the people who gave it to me call me that because they were so adamant about it and liked it so much LOL… *rolls eyes* plus… 2 of them… I wouldn’t be able to get them to stop anyway… Eric and Ryan and Bethany were really the only ones allowed to called me Sway… and its all because Eric that wonderful guy said one day that I looked like Sway off of MTV news because I had my hair back in an afro with something covering it like he had on the show… so everytime they saw me Eric and Ryan would try to get me to say “What’s up world this is Sway on MTV news” or something like that whatever is intro was… and of course I’d refuse because it’d just have been egging them on and all then need is a twig to start a fire… I didn’t like Sway for 2 reasons and I think they were very good reasons… 1) Sway’s a freakin DUDE… off MTV… I’m a female, who doesn’t watch MTV and doesn’t like what MTV stands for or promotes… so for me to remind someone of a MALE on MTV is not very pleasurable in my eyes… 2) Sway- the word defined means to fluctuate or vacillate, as in opinion or to move or incline to one side or in a particular direction. At the time I felt like I had a tendency to do that with my faith as a Christian and I totally didn’t want to be defined by that because I was trying to come out of it. So you see… Sway just wasn’t a good nickname for me… but it entertained them for about a year or two LOL… my BFFS LOL

Like I said I don’t like any variation of my name as a nickname… but there’s another reason why too… so of course most people call me Ash… its cute I guess… but I don’t like it… 1) cuz it makes me think about Pokemon and that Ash… and then 2) Ash is something you try to get rid of off your body and 3) Ashes of someone or of fire… I mean I can’t think of anything positive about Ash… plus @ one of the old churches I went to… one of the sunday school teachers loved to call me mAshley mashed potatoes… and I hated it… and like whined everytime he did it… but he wouldn’t stop until I told my mom in tears that I hated that he called me that and then he like apologized saying that he never meant to hurt my feelings… which of course I knew… it just was very annoying to be called out of my name (specially since this was around the time I was getting it from my babysitter’s granddaughter anyway)

So why’d I say all that LOL… IDK I just miss having a nickname… prolly mostly miss the people who called me by those nicknames… I miss how things used to be LOL

*** Edit for Angela 🙂 ***

Chuckles- I got this nickname in college and I love it 🙂 Khia calls me it sometimes but its still not the same LOL So one late night my freshman year I was hanging out with some of my friends in IV namely Hilary and Laura 🙂 and for some reason I just couldn’t stop laughing. Like everything and anything was funny. They thought I was dilussional. Then Hil said “You giggle and chuckle @ every little thing we say… We should call you giggles.” And I laughed @ that but I was like no… LOL So then we decided to go to Bethany and Sanaa’s place because Laura wanted to go to bed. And I laughed the whole walk over and was laughing when Sanaa came down to get us. Hil was like, she has been like this all night so we named her giggles. And I started laughing harder. Sanaa said that’s a lil more than a giggle. And then Hil was like well its between giggles and chuckles and both Bethany and Sanaa and Suzanne all voted chuckles. And there my new nickname was thereby Chuckles. And I laughed everytime they called me that until I got used to it. But then my name went out the door 🙂 Until they left :(… LOL But Suz would introduce me as Chuckles to anyone like seriously. And they’d be confused like is that your real name? LOL And then she’d add, well some people call her Ashley. And then it’d be theres for the choosing. Though I really didn’t like when strangers called me chuckles cuz I think it took away the specialness or something because like you don’t call someone you just meet their nickname… But I was Chuckles to Suz LOL

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