Life


So someone commented on my blog today even though I hadn’t posted anything in almost 3 years. This led me to come back onto my blog and read all the old entries and assess how much my life has changed since then and boy has it ever.

One thing that stood out to me the most about my posts was how close I seemed to be with God at the time. It seems genuine enough but that as been a journey in itself as of late.

So jus a few updates since the last time I’ve blogged which was a long while ago:

-I got a car for my 23rd bday, it’s since died and I got a new car which I have a lovely car payment for
-I did finally graduate from college (Fall 2011) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration Management
-I left my church and God in 2010 to live my life my way, went back and recently left again for similar yet different reasons (I have a new church, well kinda)
-I haven’t found a job in my field that I’d like to work however I have one that pays the bills
-My life has been “wonderful” (full of tests and trials)

So I’m going to try and blog more because of that last one to try and find a better way to handle life’s struggles than how I have been. I’ll give more details about certain things later if I’m so led.

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So this week has been really rough for me… mostly due to the fact that I haven’t been really trusting God with a situation that I’m facing. I can’t remember who said it but a good truth that I heard recently was that most of the time we don’t entrust God with the little things in our lives and don’t put that into practice, and then when a big thing arises we go to God but we don’t really go correctly because we haven’t been really going to God with the other things… This is somewhat the case for me… I will honestly admit that I haven’t given hadn’t given my WHOLE life to God… mostly due to lack of faith (which is silly because that brings up doubt in the sovereignty of God and His power and love and I might as well not believe in God at all if that is going to be my mentality) My problem… I don’t constantly meditate on the word or on God’s promises to me… and I don’t confess them daily… so while I may know them when they are spoken to me or when I come across them in scripture, I am hard pressed to know what to say/pray when in urgent need… and THAT is very dangerous… I have been getting by thus far through knowing who to go to when this happens who can speak truth into situations and pray with power… but its time out for dependence on people with that… I can pray for myself and know how to get into the presence of God… I need to be able to pray in times of crisis and personal need too… depending on the Only True God and not man…

I’m not sure why this situation is arising… and my pastors always say God doesn’t need to use bad things to get your attention… like God doesn’t need to break your ankle to tell you you need to rest… He can just do it… But it doesn’t really matter why anymore… because the lesson that I’m learning that’ll last me a lifetime… and the devil can be mad because I already had victory over this situation before I even knew it existed…

So I am questioning if this is my refining process… Its funny because in our leadership meeting @ the beginning of the semester we studied John 15 and I was the only one who spoke up saying I don’t know if I like this refining business… I mean like really it just doesn’t sound like fun to me… Mind you I wasn’t really looking at the other option (being cut off and pretty much dying) I was just focused on how pruning and cleansing had the potential to be very painful… So after wallowing in self-pity for half the week I have finally been awakened to the reality of the situation… and I can praise God for that… This was awakened through a note someone wrote on facebook which I believe he said is from My Utmost for His Highest… (which now after reading this I might want that book) 

“Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar.” The altar means fire—burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the altar; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

I’ve been praying and asking God to consume my worship… and I believe that in order to do that… with that fire, he has to purify me… that means cutting me off from my past completely… something I sometimes try to hold on to… or sometimes beat myself up for… But God doesn’t remember our sins and I continually do not need to remember them either… this goes back to a message we heard in Atlanta… Remember in the Hebrew translation means to bring into the present… I know ya’ll may not understand… but its ok… if someone gets it that’s kool… they can understand why I cry these tears of joy right now… Just another praise for my testimony… of how Great… Awesome… Marvelous… Wonderful… Splendorous… Incredible… Mighty… I could go on… MY GOD is… Oh I’m excited… It may have not been immediate but I got there… I could scream…  I can’t even type no more I’m so excited… My God… Ya’ll just don’t know… Giving God my EVERYTHING… my WHOLE BEING… I am SO on FIRE

A poem I wrote in Atlanta called Remember Me

There are so many things I’m excited for and I’m just happy that God has given me joy after my praying and going to bed a little sad last night!

I’m excited for Release!!! Our Black Regional Student Conference with Intervarsity! I’m excited because I’m expecting God to show up in mighty ways and speak into my life like he’s done so many times before… because I get to see so many wonderful faces that I haven’t seen in a while like My BFF ANGELA!!!! and PATRICE!!!! and my wonderful roommate from Atlanta ’08 ALEX!!!! and the potential of meeting new wonderful faces from different schools that people are going to bring… it’s going to be awesome!!!

Work was awesome today!!! I got my babies back! Last week someone was out so I had to be with the middle schoolers and I was very unhappy because they don’t listen to me like at all… but today I got to go back to where my heart is and was welcomed with hugs and opened arms cuz they were happy to see me! They don’t know I was just as happy to see them… cuz I had an incident with the middle schoolers and a parent was upset and that made me upset and I really was worried that I did something wrong, but I talked to the principal about it and she said that the kids told the truth which really made me feel better because the one girl was lying to her mother and making me look bad and the parent was going to talk to the principal and I didn’t know what that outcome was going to bring… but now that the girl owned up to it the pressure is off of me! Plus the director of Aftercare came in my class today and told me I was doing a very good job and that just boosted my day because I worry about that sometimes and just need that word of affirmation to know that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing because I do try my best.

I got to spend time with Utibe today in DC… which was great because even though it was crowded and our time was short we got to talk a little bit and catch up after Atlanta before she makes that trip back to LA… Utibe and I did an Urban Project with Intervarsity in 2006 together. We spent some time reminiscing on that crazy summer! LOL Good times…

Oh and at driving school today my driving instructor asked us what it meant to be saved and it was great just to be able to openly share about Christ in a setting you wouldn’t think of as the place for that… and I found out that one of the students in the class is a freshman @ Bowie State… God is SO funny… connection over break? I mean really WHAT is the likelihood of that happening? Needless to say I’m going to try to connect with her and maybe even try to get her to come to Release… she does attend church… I wonder if she’s crazy enough to attend a conference with some people she hardly knows? LOL We’ll see!!!!

I FINALLY decided what song I’m dancing to for my grandmother’s Pastoral Anniversary this Sunday! Cece Winans’ Holy Spirit Come Fill this Place! I’m excited about it now LOL because at first I just had no clue about what to do… and though I’m sure my grandmother would love anything I do… its like a dance tribute to her and my ministry unto God so I was really like ok… its coming up what should I do??? AHHH!

All in all I’m just excited about God cuz he’s amazing and wonderful!

I admit it… I’m a cry baby… I’ve always been one and I guess I’ll always be one LOL…

What triggered this revelation? LOL

Well my poor brother had a bad day @ school today and came back from his basketball game upset… When my mother picked us up from his school (cuz that’s where I work) he got into trouble for not having a coat on from this morning. I felt bad for hime for a lil bit cuz my mother doesn’t know when to stop yelling and leave well enough alone and he was already upset… It doesn’t help that he crosses the line and yells @ her for her to leave him alone… I wanted to come to his rescue but I wasn’t in the self sacrificing mood… (Thank you Jesus for not saying that that day on the cross)…

Anyway my mother (God bless her heart) doesn’t know how to handle situations well… And I actually blame her for my brother’s anger… She asks me what was wrong with him and I said I didn’t know because he had told me earlier he didn’t want to talk about it so I left him alone *hint hint… but no… she goes to pry when he’s already mad @ her for yelling @ him the way she did… and its not bad that she went to pry because it kinda shows in her on way that she does care… but it was the way she did it… and he doesn’t want to talk to her so what does she do? Yell more… I mean you’re not going to get him to talk about what’s wrong with him if you’re yelling @ him making him feel worse… He has an anger rage fit and she yells @ him more and it continually escalates while I pray that she just leaves him alone…

Anyway… she leaves and I talk to my brother while he packs because apparently he’s leaving (I’ve done that plenty of times @ his age and even did leave once)… As he sits there crying telling me what’s wrong I start crying… I’m like what is wrong with you Ashley come on you’re supposed to be helping him not crying… My heart was breaking for this kid… he’s growing up going through the trials of being a teen and of living with a verbally abusive mother… and I cry… but I think I get through to him somehow…

It made me think about how I’d be with my kids when they’re in crisis… whether I’d sit there and cry with them… or have a backbone and be strong for them… I know I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE OR TALK DOWN TO THEM IN ANYWAY… I love my mother I think… I just know I REFUSE to be like her…

Off to play the wii wit my bro 🙂

*** Edit: My brother slept in my room again last night like he did before I left for Atlanta… only this time he slept in the bed with me… all I have to say is NEVER again LOL I got no sleep haha… He’s lucky I love him LOL ***

So I don’t really know where to begin… I’m apart of the group on campus called Lighthouse Campus Ministries and its great. Like being around college students talking about God, seeking after God, talking to GOD… yeah best thing ever… Sharing the gospel with those who don’t know Jesus… Love it! Its been really cool just to see what God has done through us this semester and its just been awesome… Well we have this weekly hour prayer room that I would go to faithfully cuz it was an awesome space to just connect with God outside of my normal prayer closet and just a great time of personal and communal prayer. Well I think it was like 2-3 weeks ago our campus leader and I were praying and we both heard the same thing about our work not being done even though the semester was winding down and to not let up… we were like ok LOL but little did we know what that meant @ the time… since then we did a big proxe station outreach event, a Christmas party, and a prayer room along with our normal prayer and weekly bible studies… I can just say personally for me I’ve connected with more people in these last 3 weeks than I did all semester long and I know alot of other people got connected to other people too and I think its just amazing and that’s why I just love campus ministry so much and know its what I’m called to…

So as most of you all know I’ve been looking for a job pretty much since I left York College in March… over the summer I got a job as a baby sitter but then my school schedule didn’t work for me to keep that job (which kinda sucked cuz it was great) and so I’ve been without income since like mid August (and yet provided for in ways beyond my imagining). I’ve had lots and lots of disappointments and discouragements and really just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get a job.. then even I was put on the list as a substitute aftercare teacher where I’d miss bible study if I were called and I never even once got called… but I recognized that getting a job would really take me away from a campus that I’m not on much away because I commute and would take away the relationship building opportunities.

So what does my title have to do with this and why am I saying all this??? Well… for one, my mom’s manager was going to do her a favor and hire me I just needed to pass this test and she’d hire me. I was banking on this job… already cashing my first paycheck and some more… The day after I took the test I went to a counseling session that my wonderful lovely great BFF kinda made me go to and my job hunt came up in the conversation and she suggested that I try to go for work study on campus again… at the time I brushed her off because I was like I just took this test and I already got a job, I’m getting called tomorrow… So I paid her no mind and didn’t listen to her… So yesterday we sponsored a 9-hour prayer room for the end of the semester and finals and I’m on campus all day in the prayer room 🙂 and I get a text from my mom saying that I had failed the test and I needed to take it again…. So of course I’m like devastated and confused because this test wasn’t hard… it wasn’t even your typical exam… I didn’t take the time to see in that what God was doing or hear what he was trying to say but I got prayer from our campus minister and she even said maybe God didn’t want me to work there… Its close to my house which was good… but that meant on public transportation I’d be 2 hours away from Bowie and unavailable alot of the time with school and work… (I know I take forever to get to the point sorry) I get more prayer that night during accountability with my BFF but I’m still not receiving anything like she said the same thing but I still didn’t have a peace about the situation and I now know it was just the enemy trying to distract me from hearing from God… and for a while there he did…. Today I stayed in a funk pretty much all day up until bible study prayer time where I was finally listening to God speak to me and tell me HIS plan… and calm my spirit… Before I went to bible study though I was talking to a friend who I didn’t tell the situation that happened or anything and she sent me a link for a job fair on Bowie’s campus to work @ Bowie through food services… at the time I was still in my lil funk so I was like they’re not going to hire me anyway and I don’t think they hire students so I’m not going to go… then yeah awesome prayer time… I get home and DUH!!!! It clicks and I finally open my eyes… I didn’t not get the job because I was inadequate (even though that’s something I knew before today LOL) I didn’t get it because I wasn’t supposed to, because God wants me at Bowie avaliable to cultivate relationships and do ministry…

I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now. But when the Friend comes, the Spirit of the Truth, he will take you by the hand and guide you into all the truth there is. He won’t draw attention to himself, but will make sense out of what is about to happen and, indeed, out of all that I have done and said. ~ John 16:12-14 (MSG)

So I give credit to this girl from Bowie named Alicia for this but seriously why do people listen to this song and why is it so popular???

“Paper Planes”

[x2]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

[x2]
Sometimes I think sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I’m clocking that game
Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame
Bonafide hustler making my name

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

[x2]
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bongs
Running when we hit ’em
Lethal poison through their system

[x2]
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell just pumping that gas

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business

Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go
Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go

OK so I can understand slightly if you don’t know any better and have NO IDEA what she’s talkin about from the surface… and that its difficult to read in between the lines and all… BUT I looked this chick up with some encouragement from Alicia 🙂 and she says what her song is about!!!! Wanna know??? I’m sure you’re curious now…. Terrorism…. Most of the reviews of her songs are like very political and humorous… but SHE said

I wanted to see if I could write songs about something important and make it sound like nothing. And it kind of worked…I haven’t heard honesty in music for so long and this is how I feel, and this is what I think. You don’t even have to say words.. I was just being as raw as possible. I wanted to make music that you felt in your gut…. You can’t separate the world into two parts like that, good and evil. Terrorism is a method. But America has successfully tied all these pockets of independence struggles, revolutions and extremists into one big notion of terrorism.

Does anyone NOT see a red flag here??? But yet and still this SONG as a single record received a Grammy Award for Best Record of the Year… Did I miss something???? LOL I mean like I’m not into the Grammys and all that cuz I only listen to Christian Music but Do we not live in America? Did not 9/11 happen??? Are we not @ war right now in Iraq for what was said a War on Terrorism? And yet we condone music like this because of that wonderful freedom of speech??? I could be totally wrong and let me know if I am cuz I’ll recant… Seriously…

So I was feeling good today and I began to think about a few of my favorite things and felt the need to remix the entire song 🙂

My church’s worship and Sunday night football
Sounds of the ocean and the colors of fall
Beautiful pretty butterfly wings
These are a few of my favorite things

The Pittsburg Steelers and dancing for Jesus
Reading Sue Grafton NOT riding the bus
Listening to gospel artists sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Watching good movies on the big screen
Sharing the gospel with those around me
Writing ‘bout scriptures and them how I see
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Remix of: Sound of Music- Favorite things

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