Life


So someone commented on my blog today even though I hadn’t posted anything in almost 3 years. This led me to come back onto my blog and read all the old entries and assess how much my life has changed since then and boy has it ever.

One thing that stood out to me the most about my posts was how close I seemed to be with God at the time. It seems genuine enough but that as been a journey in itself as of late.

So jus a few updates since the last time I’ve blogged which was a long while ago:

-I got a car for my 23rd bday, it’s since died and I got a new car which I have a lovely car payment for
-I did finally graduate from college (Fall 2011) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration Management
-I left my church and God in 2010 to live my life my way, went back and recently left again for similar yet different reasons (I have a new church, well kinda)
-I haven’t found a job in my field that I’d like to work however I have one that pays the bills
-My life has been “wonderful” (full of tests and trials)

So I’m going to try and blog more because of that last one to try and find a better way to handle life’s struggles than how I have been. I’ll give more details about certain things later if I’m so led.

So this week has been really rough for me… mostly due to the fact that I haven’t been really trusting God with a situation that I’m facing. I can’t remember who said it but a good truth that I heard recently was that most of the time we don’t entrust God with the little things in our lives and don’t put that into practice, and then when a big thing arises we go to God but we don’t really go correctly because we haven’t been really going to God with the other things… This is somewhat the case for me… I will honestly admit that I haven’t given hadn’t given my WHOLE life to God… mostly due to lack of faith (which is silly because that brings up doubt in the sovereignty of God and His power and love and I might as well not believe in God at all if that is going to be my mentality) My problem… I don’t constantly meditate on the word or on God’s promises to me… and I don’t confess them daily… so while I may know them when they are spoken to me or when I come across them in scripture, I am hard pressed to know what to say/pray when in urgent need… and THAT is very dangerous… I have been getting by thus far through knowing who to go to when this happens who can speak truth into situations and pray with power… but its time out for dependence on people with that… I can pray for myself and know how to get into the presence of God… I need to be able to pray in times of crisis and personal need too… depending on the Only True God and not man…

I’m not sure why this situation is arising… and my pastors always say God doesn’t need to use bad things to get your attention… like God doesn’t need to break your ankle to tell you you need to rest… He can just do it… But it doesn’t really matter why anymore… because the lesson that I’m learning that’ll last me a lifetime… and the devil can be mad because I already had victory over this situation before I even knew it existed…

So I am questioning if this is my refining process… Its funny because in our leadership meeting @ the beginning of the semester we studied John 15 and I was the only one who spoke up saying I don’t know if I like this refining business… I mean like really it just doesn’t sound like fun to me… Mind you I wasn’t really looking at the other option (being cut off and pretty much dying) I was just focused on how pruning and cleansing had the potential to be very painful… So after wallowing in self-pity for half the week I have finally been awakened to the reality of the situation… and I can praise God for that… This was awakened through a note someone wrote on facebook which I believe he said is from My Utmost for His Highest… (which now after reading this I might want that book) 

“Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar.” The altar means fire—burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the altar; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

I’ve been praying and asking God to consume my worship… and I believe that in order to do that… with that fire, he has to purify me… that means cutting me off from my past completely… something I sometimes try to hold on to… or sometimes beat myself up for… But God doesn’t remember our sins and I continually do not need to remember them either… this goes back to a message we heard in Atlanta… Remember in the Hebrew translation means to bring into the present… I know ya’ll may not understand… but its ok… if someone gets it that’s kool… they can understand why I cry these tears of joy right now… Just another praise for my testimony… of how Great… Awesome… Marvelous… Wonderful… Splendorous… Incredible… Mighty… I could go on… MY GOD is… Oh I’m excited… It may have not been immediate but I got there… I could scream…  I can’t even type no more I’m so excited… My God… Ya’ll just don’t know… Giving God my EVERYTHING… my WHOLE BEING… I am SO on FIRE

A poem I wrote in Atlanta called Remember Me

There are so many things I’m excited for and I’m just happy that God has given me joy after my praying and going to bed a little sad last night!

I’m excited for Release!!! Our Black Regional Student Conference with Intervarsity! I’m excited because I’m expecting God to show up in mighty ways and speak into my life like he’s done so many times before… because I get to see so many wonderful faces that I haven’t seen in a while like My BFF ANGELA!!!! and PATRICE!!!! and my wonderful roommate from Atlanta ’08 ALEX!!!! and the potential of meeting new wonderful faces from different schools that people are going to bring… it’s going to be awesome!!!

Work was awesome today!!! I got my babies back! Last week someone was out so I had to be with the middle schoolers and I was very unhappy because they don’t listen to me like at all… but today I got to go back to where my heart is and was welcomed with hugs and opened arms cuz they were happy to see me! They don’t know I was just as happy to see them… cuz I had an incident with the middle schoolers and a parent was upset and that made me upset and I really was worried that I did something wrong, but I talked to the principal about it and she said that the kids told the truth which really made me feel better because the one girl was lying to her mother and making me look bad and the parent was going to talk to the principal and I didn’t know what that outcome was going to bring… but now that the girl owned up to it the pressure is off of me! Plus the director of Aftercare came in my class today and told me I was doing a very good job and that just boosted my day because I worry about that sometimes and just need that word of affirmation to know that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing because I do try my best.

I got to spend time with Utibe today in DC… which was great because even though it was crowded and our time was short we got to talk a little bit and catch up after Atlanta before she makes that trip back to LA… Utibe and I did an Urban Project with Intervarsity in 2006 together. We spent some time reminiscing on that crazy summer! LOL Good times…

Oh and at driving school today my driving instructor asked us what it meant to be saved and it was great just to be able to openly share about Christ in a setting you wouldn’t think of as the place for that… and I found out that one of the students in the class is a freshman @ Bowie State… God is SO funny… connection over break? I mean really WHAT is the likelihood of that happening? Needless to say I’m going to try to connect with her and maybe even try to get her to come to Release… she does attend church… I wonder if she’s crazy enough to attend a conference with some people she hardly knows? LOL We’ll see!!!!

I FINALLY decided what song I’m dancing to for my grandmother’s Pastoral Anniversary this Sunday! Cece Winans’ Holy Spirit Come Fill this Place! I’m excited about it now LOL because at first I just had no clue about what to do… and though I’m sure my grandmother would love anything I do… its like a dance tribute to her and my ministry unto God so I was really like ok… its coming up what should I do??? AHHH!

All in all I’m just excited about God cuz he’s amazing and wonderful!

I admit it… I’m a cry baby… I’ve always been one and I guess I’ll always be one LOL…

What triggered this revelation? LOL

Well my poor brother had a bad day @ school today and came back from his basketball game upset… When my mother picked us up from his school (cuz that’s where I work) he got into trouble for not having a coat on from this morning. I felt bad for hime for a lil bit cuz my mother doesn’t know when to stop yelling and leave well enough alone and he was already upset… It doesn’t help that he crosses the line and yells @ her for her to leave him alone… I wanted to come to his rescue but I wasn’t in the self sacrificing mood… (Thank you Jesus for not saying that that day on the cross)…

Anyway my mother (God bless her heart) doesn’t know how to handle situations well… And I actually blame her for my brother’s anger… She asks me what was wrong with him and I said I didn’t know because he had told me earlier he didn’t want to talk about it so I left him alone *hint hint… but no… she goes to pry when he’s already mad @ her for yelling @ him the way she did… and its not bad that she went to pry because it kinda shows in her on way that she does care… but it was the way she did it… and he doesn’t want to talk to her so what does she do? Yell more… I mean you’re not going to get him to talk about what’s wrong with him if you’re yelling @ him making him feel worse… He has an anger rage fit and she yells @ him more and it continually escalates while I pray that she just leaves him alone…

Anyway… she leaves and I talk to my brother while he packs because apparently he’s leaving (I’ve done that plenty of times @ his age and even did leave once)… As he sits there crying telling me what’s wrong I start crying… I’m like what is wrong with you Ashley come on you’re supposed to be helping him not crying… My heart was breaking for this kid… he’s growing up going through the trials of being a teen and of living with a verbally abusive mother… and I cry… but I think I get through to him somehow…

It made me think about how I’d be with my kids when they’re in crisis… whether I’d sit there and cry with them… or have a backbone and be strong for them… I know I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE OR TALK DOWN TO THEM IN ANYWAY… I love my mother I think… I just know I REFUSE to be like her…

Off to play the wii wit my bro 🙂

*** Edit: My brother slept in my room again last night like he did before I left for Atlanta… only this time he slept in the bed with me… all I have to say is NEVER again LOL I got no sleep haha… He’s lucky I love him LOL ***

So I don’t really know where to begin… I’m apart of the group on campus called Lighthouse Campus Ministries and its great. Like being around college students talking about God, seeking after God, talking to GOD… yeah best thing ever… Sharing the gospel with those who don’t know Jesus… Love it! Its been really cool just to see what God has done through us this semester and its just been awesome… Well we have this weekly hour prayer room that I would go to faithfully cuz it was an awesome space to just connect with God outside of my normal prayer closet and just a great time of personal and communal prayer. Well I think it was like 2-3 weeks ago our campus leader and I were praying and we both heard the same thing about our work not being done even though the semester was winding down and to not let up… we were like ok LOL but little did we know what that meant @ the time… since then we did a big proxe station outreach event, a Christmas party, and a prayer room along with our normal prayer and weekly bible studies… I can just say personally for me I’ve connected with more people in these last 3 weeks than I did all semester long and I know alot of other people got connected to other people too and I think its just amazing and that’s why I just love campus ministry so much and know its what I’m called to…

So as most of you all know I’ve been looking for a job pretty much since I left York College in March… over the summer I got a job as a baby sitter but then my school schedule didn’t work for me to keep that job (which kinda sucked cuz it was great) and so I’ve been without income since like mid August (and yet provided for in ways beyond my imagining). I’ve had lots and lots of disappointments and discouragements and really just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get a job.. then even I was put on the list as a substitute aftercare teacher where I’d miss bible study if I were called and I never even once got called… but I recognized that getting a job would really take me away from a campus that I’m not on much away because I commute and would take away the relationship building opportunities.

So what does my title have to do with this and why am I saying all this??? Well… for one, my mom’s manager was going to do her a favor and hire me I just needed to pass this test and she’d hire me. I was banking on this job… already cashing my first paycheck and some more… The day after I took the test I went to a counseling session that my wonderful lovely great BFF kinda made me go to and my job hunt came up in the conversation and she suggested that I try to go for work study on campus again… at the time I brushed her off because I was like I just took this test and I already got a job, I’m getting called tomorrow… So I paid her no mind and didn’t listen to her… So yesterday we sponsored a 9-hour prayer room for the end of the semester and finals and I’m on campus all day in the prayer room 🙂 and I get a text from my mom saying that I had failed the test and I needed to take it again…. So of course I’m like devastated and confused because this test wasn’t hard… it wasn’t even your typical exam… I didn’t take the time to see in that what God was doing or hear what he was trying to say but I got prayer from our campus minister and she even said maybe God didn’t want me to work there… Its close to my house which was good… but that meant on public transportation I’d be 2 hours away from Bowie and unavailable alot of the time with school and work… (I know I take forever to get to the point sorry) I get more prayer that night during accountability with my BFF but I’m still not receiving anything like she said the same thing but I still didn’t have a peace about the situation and I now know it was just the enemy trying to distract me from hearing from God… and for a while there he did…. Today I stayed in a funk pretty much all day up until bible study prayer time where I was finally listening to God speak to me and tell me HIS plan… and calm my spirit… Before I went to bible study though I was talking to a friend who I didn’t tell the situation that happened or anything and she sent me a link for a job fair on Bowie’s campus to work @ Bowie through food services… at the time I was still in my lil funk so I was like they’re not going to hire me anyway and I don’t think they hire students so I’m not going to go… then yeah awesome prayer time… I get home and DUH!!!! It clicks and I finally open my eyes… I didn’t not get the job because I was inadequate (even though that’s something I knew before today LOL) I didn’t get it because I wasn’t supposed to, because God wants me at Bowie avaliable to cultivate relationships and do ministry…

I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now. But when the Friend comes, the Spirit of the Truth, he will take you by the hand and guide you into all the truth there is. He won’t draw attention to himself, but will make sense out of what is about to happen and, indeed, out of all that I have done and said. ~ John 16:12-14 (MSG)

So I give credit to this girl from Bowie named Alicia for this but seriously why do people listen to this song and why is it so popular???

“Paper Planes”

[x2]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

[x2]
Sometimes I think sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I’m clocking that game
Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame
Bonafide hustler making my name

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

[x2]
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bongs
Running when we hit ’em
Lethal poison through their system

[x2]
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell just pumping that gas

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business

Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go
Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go

OK so I can understand slightly if you don’t know any better and have NO IDEA what she’s talkin about from the surface… and that its difficult to read in between the lines and all… BUT I looked this chick up with some encouragement from Alicia 🙂 and she says what her song is about!!!! Wanna know??? I’m sure you’re curious now…. Terrorism…. Most of the reviews of her songs are like very political and humorous… but SHE said

I wanted to see if I could write songs about something important and make it sound like nothing. And it kind of worked…I haven’t heard honesty in music for so long and this is how I feel, and this is what I think. You don’t even have to say words.. I was just being as raw as possible. I wanted to make music that you felt in your gut…. You can’t separate the world into two parts like that, good and evil. Terrorism is a method. But America has successfully tied all these pockets of independence struggles, revolutions and extremists into one big notion of terrorism.

Does anyone NOT see a red flag here??? But yet and still this SONG as a single record received a Grammy Award for Best Record of the Year… Did I miss something???? LOL I mean like I’m not into the Grammys and all that cuz I only listen to Christian Music but Do we not live in America? Did not 9/11 happen??? Are we not @ war right now in Iraq for what was said a War on Terrorism? And yet we condone music like this because of that wonderful freedom of speech??? I could be totally wrong and let me know if I am cuz I’ll recant… Seriously…

So I was feeling good today and I began to think about a few of my favorite things and felt the need to remix the entire song 🙂

My church’s worship and Sunday night football
Sounds of the ocean and the colors of fall
Beautiful pretty butterfly wings
These are a few of my favorite things

The Pittsburg Steelers and dancing for Jesus
Reading Sue Grafton NOT riding the bus
Listening to gospel artists sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Watching good movies on the big screen
Sharing the gospel with those around me
Writing ‘bout scriptures and them how I see
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Remix of: Sound of Music- Favorite things

So I have a plan and I’m like extremely excited…

But first the JOURNEY… LOL

If you’ve known me for awhile you know college hasn’t really been my thing… I came to college because it was what was expected of me because I did well in high school and I wanted to get money to take care of my family. When I got to college I always said it should just be a social experience… 4 years of hanging out with people… no classes. I wasn’t really interested in anything really but I was good with computers so I picked the major of Information Systems Development. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I mean while I spend every waking hour on the computer now, I didn’t like fixing problems or not knowing how to fix a problem (come across this alot) and the joy of being on the computer would be taken away because it was work. I also had begun growing spiritually in my faith and saw how I needed to follow Jesus with my whole life meaning career path as well. I never had asked God for direction in any area of my life like that before. So I asked… I think… LOL

So what I heard from God was to teach so that’s what I was going to do. Now I knew it was from God because all my life I’d been saying that I can’t teach so I didn’t make it up. So the plan was to change my major to Music Education because I love music (and play 4 instruments and sing) and God told me to teach plus I love children. Right? WRONG! LOL So after being convinced by someone who thought they were looking out for my best interests that I wouldn’t be able to get into the music program because my skill level wasn’t to the caliber needed I changed my major to just Elementary Education and was going to minor in Music. So getting into the Education program at my school was just as hard if not harder than getting into the Music program, especially since I was transferring into the program. BUT the only thing that was truly holding me back was my GPA which was a 2.97 and it needed to be a 3.0… So when I got to a point where I couldn’t take anymore classes except the ones in the Education program and I couldn’t get in because of my GPA I had to change my minor to Special Education just to be able to take classes and bring my GPA up. Needless to say that didn’t happen… in fact it went down to a 2.94 and I still wasn’t allowed in the program.

At this point (and many other points) I’m ready to just quit school. So I didn’t really seek God at that point about what I should do and I was in fact quite confused because I didn’t understand if he told me to teach why I couldn’t get into the program. (of course I know now :)) Anyway that was around the end of my junior year, so I began to look into any major that I could take that would have me to graduate in the least amount of time. The major would be Behavioral Science which is like the head of Sociology which seemed very interesting to me when I had to take Soc 100. So that’s what I did… my plan was to get out of school as soon as possible with any degree and just figure out my life after I graduated. Well needless to say THAT didn’t happen either. LOL

I had some big attacks of the enemy which led me to actually leave school in the middle of the semester and not return to that particular school. But the day I came home even I was being asked so what are you going to do? Where are you going to school? You need to register soon its around the time of deadlines. Which I guess was the voice of God in a way because I probably wouldn’t be in school right now had that not happened. BUT again I did not consult God and ask Him His plan and purpose for my life but jumped right into applying and registering for a school that made sense I would go to because it was cheap, it was close (and I thought it’d be easy to get there though found not the case), and it didn’t hurt that my mentor/ big sister worked there.

The only thing was it didn’t have my major so I had to change my major again… the most logical choice at the time was Sociology because it was the closest to my previous major. After being accepted and doing more research about the programs and things I decided I wanted to study children. So that’s what I signed up for. The only problem was there was this one class that was a prerequisite  for all of the following classes. Meaning I could only take that one class. I had a few more classes I could take because of the graduation requirements for the school but not enough to be full time so I just signed up for “fun” (courses I didn’t need but thought would be useful to me) classes to fill my schedule. On October 9th I have a break down and I’m just like I have no direction in my life I don’t know where God is taking me or why I’m even here or what I’m doing with my life… I feel like I’m going no where… I’m dropping out of school forever and moving out of my house and living with a friend!!! Yeah I was a mess… yeah I didn’t drop out of school… but I did drop down to part time and I did FINALLY seek God for direction and I waited for his direction and didn’t get it until December 4th.

I’m excited about it because before I never really had a Graduation Plan where I sat down and looked at everything I needed to do to graduate. But like I have this comprehensive list of everything that I’m going to take from now until I graduate in 2011. Oh yeah and I changed my major of course LOL… It is now Business Administration Management. I feel it is in line with what God wants me to do with my life even going into ministry because my vision is to open my own dance studio and that will be a business and I’ll definitely need to know how to operate it properly. Oh and if you’re wondering where the teaching comes in… I’ll be teaching dance classes @ my studio so I didn’t heard God incorrectly when He told me to teach… I just didn’t wait to hear the whole thing… So my graduation countdown has finally begun! Spring 2011 here I come! 🙂
Oh yeah did I mention that I’m ending this semester with  4.0 and because I transferred schools my old GPA is wiped clean??? I could write a whole blog about that one 🙂 but Wohoo!

Here’s my graduation plan just in case you’re interested 😉

Graduation Plan

Spring 2009

Introduction to Business

African-American History to 1865

Introduction to Principles of Reasoning

Life and Health

Technical & Report Writing I

Fall 2009

Principles of Marketing

Principles of Management

Principles of Accounting I

Principles of Macroeconomics

Principles of Microeconomics

Spring 2010

Principles of Accounting II

Business Law I

Money and Banking

Business/Economic Statistics I

Organizational Behavior

Principles of Supervision & Leadership

Fall 2010

Business Law II

Management Problems

Principles of Finance

Human Resource Management

Spring 2011

Quantitative Methods in Decision Making

Entrepreneurship & New Enterprises

Business Strategy and Policy

Production and Operation Management

So I have a problem with complaining. When something goes a way differently than I think it should go I get upset about it, moan and groan, and probably go into the thoughts of my life sucks and nothing ever goes right.

In trying to Do the Word that I KNOW and take every thought captive (from motivation of Darla) instead of sitting here and continually mulling over the bad day I am experiencing I’m going to do the opposite and praise God for what I didn’t get.

So instead of complaining about the fact that my professor cancelled class with no notice to me causing me to ride the bus to school for 2 hours and waste my time and money…
I will rejoice and Praise God that I have the privilege to be in school, the ability to learn, time to spend with God and doing the things of God, and the money to pay for my transportation.

Instead of complaining about the fact that I lost my headphones and can’t listen to my music from my mp3 player…
I will rejoice and Praise God that I have my hearing and ability to praise and worship God freely.

Instead of complaining about the fact that I possibly lost $20 and can’t get lunch or anything to eat right now…
I will rejoice and Praise God that he supplies all my needs and that I am not currently starving but have food in my cabinets and refrigerator @ home

Psalm 9:1-2

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
       I will tell of all your wonders.

I will be glad and rejoice in you;
       I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

Philippians 4:4

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

So I was inspired to write this post by a few things…

First, my lil cousin called me today to tell me that her birthday is on monday… Like I needed the reminder LOL

She’s turning 19, about to go into the airforce, and trying to go to school. Makes me so proud LOL… my lil one is growing up LOL

Second, my bff (Jill) Angela wrote a blog about how she felt old and she’s only like 6 months older than me

Lastly, while reading TheNorEaster’s blog today I was brought attention to somethings about my maturity that I’d like to blog about

So I’m 22 years old… I don’t feel 22 at all. Sometimes I feel 5 other times I feel 15… All the time, I feel like a little kid.. not a 22 year old adult. I think alot is accredited to the fact that I am still in school, still live at home with my mother, and do not have a job. Maybe also because many people have told me that I needed to grow up.

Lately though I have been finding myself feeling more mature and interested in things that I didn’t even understand as a child. These mostly deal with the parallels of television and movies to the concepts and things of God and religion. A few that come to mind are Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, and Harry Potter. These 4 things used to bore me to death… I had no interest in them at all. If Star Trek was on the television I’d be sleep in 5 seconds. I had no desired to watch any of the Lord of the Rings, Chronicles, or Harry Potter movies before… even as recently as a year ago. I watched Lord of the Rings the other day and found it quite intriguing. I also might probably go see that new Star Trek Movie in 2009 thanks to the wonderful trailers of Noreaster. I saw parallels of things of God and think I might actually enjoy it. I think we all know that one person who can pull out a message about Jesus from anywhere… LOL Like this one awesome guy named Bret had this great evangelism talk from this utterly ridiculous youtube video called Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain.

I digress… LOL anywho  I bring that up because I know am being able to see Jesus in everyday things and I think its awesome and a reflection of maturity and my relationship with God… And yet still not an indication that I’m OLD! 🙂

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Oh yeah… and if you enjoyed that last video… how about Charlie the Unicorn Part 2

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